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Chad Ochocinco Says He Will Reimburse The Buccaneers Rookie Who Jacked Him Up And Got Fined $20K
Rookie Buccaneers linebacker Mason Foster may have two first names, but he doesn't have a lot of money. He's a rookie, and a third-round pick, which means $20,000 means more to him than it does to, say, Chad Ochocinco, the Patriots receiver Foster hit in last Thursday's preseason game....
Bartolo Colon-O-Meter: It's A Fine Line Between Failure And Non-Failure
What did Bartolo Colon teach us about our place in the universe last night? Special philosophical correspondent David Roher was at the ballpark to witness the veteran Yankee's performance against Oakland, as Colon fell behind the A's 5-0—with two of the runs scoring after he'd left the game, on a do...
Readers: Let's Come Up With A Less Awful Trophy For The Winner Of Iowa-Iowa State
Now that the Iowa Corn Growers Association and the Iowa Corn Promotion Board have abandoned their ill-fated agrarian-robot-family-allegory design for the Cy-Hawk Trophy, how will the victors in the annual football showdown between Iowa and Iowa State know they've won? Please help bail out the corn i...
This Is The Bloodied Marine That LSU's Jordan Jefferson Allegedly Kicked In The Face
We were sent this image purporting to be of the good samaritan, returning from Marine Corps training, who rushed to break up a Baton Rouge bar fight and ended up getting pummeled by at least four LSU players. We've been unable to confirm—the cops have instituted a media blackout, to the extent that ...
Exit Felix Pie; Luke Scott Will Have To Find A New Dark-Skinned Teammate To Throw Banana Chips At
Baseball's most discomfiting buddy comedy is near cancellation: Yesterday, the Baltimore Orioles designated outfielder Felix Pie for assignment, effectively ending his role as the some-of-my-best-friends-are-black clubhouse foil for redneck performance artist Luke Scott. ...
Samuel Eto'o Will Leave Inter Milan For Obscure Russian Club (And Billions Of Rubles)
Samuel Eto'o, the 30-year-old Cameroonian soccer player, is leaving the glitz and prestige of Serie A's Inter Milan to play "for an obscure club in the violence-wracked Caucasus region of Dagestan, Russia." From Milan, one of the world's fashion capitals, to Dagestan: the land of the mountains. This...
Kerry Collins Will Never Bow To The Sands Of Time
Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay on Twitter: "We have agreed to terms with Kerry Collins...more details to come." The details being: Indy is hopelessly fucked should soon-to-be-39-year-old Kerry Collins have to play a snap in that offense....
The Ravens' Torrey Smith, In The Safest Place Imaginable, Ran For His Life When The Earthquake Hit
Smith, the Ravens' second-round draft pick out of Maryland, was doing a UM commercial when the earth moved. Owings Mills is 120 miles as the crow raven flies from the epicenter of the quake, so we're sure it was intense. We're also sure that a wide open football field is precisely the safest place...
Leaked Emails Show A <em>Newsweek</em> Reporter Trying To Set A Picky Shaq Up With Some Girls (He Only Wants Rihanna)
As far as we know, Shaquille O'Neal—divorced a few years back—is happy with his comically out-of-proportion lover, Nicole "Hoopz" Alexander....
Brought To You By The Network That Televises The Little League World Series
It's Aug. 24, the day we were too busy to run for mayor of Wasilla. Click the photo to enlarge. If that doesn't work, click here. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors. ...
Ohio Man Rams A Store With A Semi Truck So He Can Steal An $800 Synthetic Vagina (UPDATE)
Ah, Ohio. Home of the drunken werewolf and the teacher who sprayed cops with her breast milk. Now the Smash and Grab Sex Toy Thief of Lorain County joins them....
Lil Wayne And Todd Haley Constitute Football's Newest And Maybe Worst Bromance
By and large, there's not a lot to like about Kansas City Chiefs head coach Todd Haley. He played golf, not football, in high school and college. His father was an NFL big shot. He's prone to tantrums. He rolled over some coordinators quickly. Whitlock hates him....
Canadian Television Says Blue Jays (Now Diamondbacks) Utility Infielder John McDonald Hit 96 HR This Year
Ed note: he has not. Two, the number of homers McDonald has hit, is 94 fewer than 96. Thanks to Coreywise for the photo....
Please Send Us Your Fantasy Football Correspondence With The Biggest Dickheads In Your League
Some of you may be familiar with our "Life Lessons" series, featuring rec-league amateur athletes who take their weekly kickball/softball/frisbee golf games waaay too seriously and, in turn, suck all the joy out of these activities for their teammates. These submissions were phenomenal, but I have a...
Farting At Urinals: An Exploration In Etiquette
The Postmortal drops a week from today, and to celebrate the release, next week's edition of the Deadspin Funbag will be a LIVE FUNBAG. We'll throw the post up around noon, then you can send in questions for the next three hours (via email or the comments) and I'll answer them in real time. All you ...
Pat Summitt Diagnosed With Dementia, Will Still Coach This Season (Updated With Summitt's Taped Statement)
Sad news out of Knoxville: CBS's Gregg Doyel reports that Pat Summitt—head coach of Tennessee's women's basketball team and the most successful coach in NCAA history—has been diagnosed with dementia. She's just 59 years old. ...
Albert Haynesworth Has Two Words For Washington
It's not "fuck you." It might as well be....
Zach Randolph Isn't In Trouble, He Just Hosted The Mansion Party Where Everyone Beat Up The Pot Dealer With Pool Cues
Remember how Z-Bo had a great year, and Memphis decided to lock him up for four years and $71 million, and everyone yelled You fools! It was a contract year! He's going to suck again for the next three years now! and Memphis didn't listen and did it anyway?...
Kool Aid Man Really Wanted To Catch That Foul Ball
Your morning roundup for Aug. 23, the day they found a lot of semen in a fancy hotel room. H/T to bigsombrero for the photo. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....
Derek Jeter And Tom Brady Were Awkward High School Boys Once
The SI Vault published 28 photographs of athletes from their high school yearbooks today. There are plenty of highlights—Brett Favre's mullet, Barry Bonds's jheri curl, and Mark McGwire's poignant senior quote, to name a few—but our personal favorites feature young, awkward Derek Jeter and young, aw...