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Mike Timlin Will Take Care Of Your Ballpark Rat Problem
As long as Red Sox pitcher Mike Timlin is alive, Heidi Watney will never go hungry. Hope you enjoy squirrel, Heidi. You mean to say that hawk was a lovable team mascot? Sorry, my bad. Now, watch me shoot an apple off of a teammate's head. Damn it, hold still Youkilis! From Timlin's bio: ...

New White Sox Danger: Shaving Cream Pies to the Face
And you thought Ozzie Guillen was all the White Sox had to fear in the locker room. Backup catcher Toby Hall is recovering after Jermaine Dye blocked his attempted pie to the face. Does anyone ever wonder where all these pies come from in baseball locker rooms? How many times have you had extra pie...

Deadspin HOF Nominee: Matt Leinart
One particular joy this NFL offseason is to flip through the preseason guides and note all the references to the above Matt Leinart photo. Inevitably, it'll read something like, "Leinart had an offseason that pleased the ladies and the blogs more than it pleased the Cardinals coaching staff." I sti...

So What's On The Menu, Baby?
Each weekday morning Awful Announcing, video slash and grab extraordinaire of the sports blogosphere, gives us a visual rundown of everything you missed from the night before. If there's something sports-related you'd like to see with your coffee, shoot him an e-mail and let him know....

The Prodigal, Bloodshot, Neckbearded, Booze-Swilling Son Returns
In the past hour there have been no less than three emails with "The Neckbeard Returns!" as the subject line. This is either a bold move or an absolutely desperate one, but it's true: Kyle Orton is the starting quarterback for the 2008 Chicago Bears' season opener. Orton overcame Rex Grossman in the...

To Watch Tonight
What to watch after colliding with a suspected llama ... • MLB: Houston at Milwaukee (8 p.m., ET). CC Sabathia tries to extend Brewers' sellout streak to 16 games. [ESPN2] • NFL: Preseason, Cleveland at New York Giants (8 p.m., ET). We want Quinn! We want Quinn! [ESPN] • Olympics: Gymnastics, Indivi...

Stop Us If You've Heard This One Before
David Hirshey Michael Bertin writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer. If the season were to end today Stupid Fucking Bolton would be going to the Champions League. A corner of the universe just started to fold in on itself simply because that sentence was typed. If... If my aunt had a penis she'd...

Deadspin HOF Nominee: Isiah Thomas
It's worth noting that no SHOTY winner has ever made the Deadspin Hall of Fame. Barbaro might be up for nomination again this year. Amazingly, this is Isiah's first ever nomination. So much to choose from, Isiah-wise, though I'll always be partial to "Isiah Thomas' Knicks Legacy, Summed Up In One P...

Removing Vowels Make Comments Appear to Be Written in Bulgarian
To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week. Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments a...

BOCOG Vice President Wang Wei Wants You to Stop Bothering Him
The Olympics are in full-swing and they're in China, so, you know, it should be a rather fascinating world event, if you're into fascinating world events. And we are proud to welcome back our Deadspin Beijing Bureau, our own trio of correspondents living in China and reporting on everything they see...

Deadspin HOF Nominee: Dana Jacobson
On a certain level, you have to like anyone who can piss off Charlie Weis, you know? Everyone forgets now that the Dana Jacobson story was actually broken by an Atlantic City newspaper. And she pretty much assured that ESPN won't be hosting anymore "celebrity" roasts. The above picture didn't actua...

Phelps' Facebook Page, Brett The Jet And Reggie Bush Hurdling Grown Men
Each weekday morning Awful Announcing, video slash and grab extraordinaire of the sports blogosphere, gives us a visual rundown of everything you missed from the night before. If there's something sports-related you'd like to see with your coffee, shoot him an e-mail and let him know....

Sunday Night Baseball: Padres-Phillies
Will Cole Hamels keep the Phillies in the NL East race? Will Cha Seung Baek prevent San Diego from being the worst team in baseball? Will you even be able to see this live blog? These queries and few others will be answered once you jump to the rhythm. (Jump jump to the rhythm.) * * * Okay, so nobod...

A Dream Start For Chelsea, A Draw For Manchester
Big Phil Scolari's first Premier League match at the helm of Chelsea was pretty much perfect. The Blues began their campaign to reclaim the the league title with a 4-0 thrashing of Portsmouth at Stamford Bridge. Harry Redknapp's side was under constant pressure from Chelsea's reworked midfield, and...

This Could Be It For Tom Glavine
Tom Glavine is out for the season. Dude tore up some ligaments in his elbow and says he won't come back if he has to get that ligament completely replaced. The 42-year-old went back to the Braves, turning down more money from the Mets to play where he had kept his offseason home. But he hasn't play...

Outstanding Acheivers In Beijing Not Named Michael Phelps
• I really can't stand to watch gymnastics more than once every four years. It's agonizing. There's such a clear disadvantage in starting some routines first, as Shawn Johnson did in the floor exercise, only to be overtaken by Romania's Sandra Izbasa, who went last. It was Johnson's third silver me...

Phelps Achieves Perfection With a Little Help From His Friends
Michael Phelps has just made history by eclipsing Mark Spitz's record of seven gold medals in a single Olympics with a win in the 4x100 medley relay in Beijing. Phelps maintained a small lead swimming the butterfly in the race's third leg and once again it was Jason Lezak holding off the opposition ...

Those Chinese Certainly Know How To Conduct A Job Search
It's been both enjoyable and sad to see some of the stories coming out of Beijing. It's been seemingly one unpleasant discovery after another, between the poor girl who was deemed unpretty enough to sing the Chinese national anthem and the faux ethnic kids around the flag during opening ceremonies. ...

Peyton Manning Finds One More Thing To Endorse
You'd think Peyton Manning would be happy with his Super Bowl ring, numerous lavish endorsement deals, and the adulation of Hindi children everywhere. Not so. Now he wants to win a gold medal, and has prepared a pitch for the unwashed masses. We're unwashed because he's never endorsed soap, you see....

Margarito Questions De La Hoya's Machismo
By the grace of God it doesn't appear that Oscar de la Hoya and Manny Pacquiao will be able to settle on financial terms for a proposed fight. This means that the door has re-opened (albeit by a crack) for the possibility of a real farewell fight against Antonio Margartio. Of course it should come ...