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Giannis Antetokounmpo Boomed The Kings To Hell
Giannis Antetokounmpo, who is LeBron now, put up what might have been his most LeBron-ish box score of the season during last night’s 144-109 win over the Kings. The big ol’ freak was plus-39 in his 30 minutes on the court, and he finished with a 25-12-11 triple-double on 8-of-11 shooting. Sparkling...
Michael Thomas’s Cell Phone Celebration Was Cool, No Matter What The Announcers Said
It was a great game. The Saints scored 35 first-half points, with Drew Brees throwing for three scores. Jared Goff led the Rams all the way back from a 21-point deficit to tie things up in the fourth. Then, late in the fourth quarter, the Saints had the ball in their own territory leading by just th...
Michael Thomas Pays Homage To Joe Horn With Flip Phone Touchdown Celebration
Michael Thomas caught a 72-yard touchdown to give the Saints a double-digit lead with under four minutes to play against the undefeated Los Angeles Rams. But things got better for New Orleans: Thomas celebrated the touchdown by recreating the Joe Horn touchdown cell phone celebration from 2003. A to...
Joel Embiid Announces Plans To Expand His Real Estate Empire By Building Additional Housing Units In Andre Drummond's Cranium
Basketball star and no-rent housing innovator Joel Embiid had a monster game against the Pistons yesterday. And in his 39-point performance—32 of them coming in a scorching first half—Embiid achieved his twin goals of clowning on and growing his real estate investments with his favorite rival/unwitt...
Clemson Scores Fat Guy Touchdown For Second Consecutive Week
Louisville’s football program is in utter disarray as their scumbag head coach continues to torpedo the team into nationally-televised embarrassments like today’s 77-16 loss to Clemson. But none of that matters because CLEMSON SCORED ANOTHER FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN, BABY!...
The Raptors Made Deandre Ayton Look Silly
The Raptors played with some pretty mediocre effort on Friday which kept the terrible Phoenix Suns actually in a game going into the fourth quarter. One of the things that helped Toronto flip the switch and get the offense going was earning some quality assists through the legs of rookie big man Dea...
The Winter Of Mega-Stars Unexpectedly But Heart-Warmingly Staying With Their Original Teams Begins With Clayton Kershaw Re-Signing With The Dodgers
Clayton Kershaw’s velocity may be trending in the wrong direction, but he’s still a damn ace, and as such he was considered one of the huge targets in what many have expected to be a landscape-altering winter of baseball mega-stars chasing the free-agency big bucks to new towns and new teams. Not so...
Report: Magic Johnson Is Already Mad At Luke Walton For No Good Reason
On Sept. 20, Lakers czar Magic Johnson told ESPN that he assured coach Luke Walton that he’d be fine if the 2018-19 campaign were to get off to a slow start, since integrating a hodgepodge of new players into the team, including LeBron James, takes time....
Blazers Fans Play Another Nightmarishly Incompetent Game Of Tic-Tac-Toe
It happened again! Nine months after two Trail Blazers fans played an infuriatingly bad game of tic-tac-toe between quarters, that game has a challenger for the title....
Oh Man, De'Aaron Fox Is So Much Fun
De’Aaron Fox spent his Thursday night leading the plucky Kings to a dominant road win in Atlanta. I do not expect you to take that very seriously! There are data points you mark in the The Kings Might Be Good column—a 6–3 record; road wins over the Thunder and Heat; a five-game winning streak; offen...
Hue Jackson: If Only The Browns Had Listened More To Hue Jackson
Hue Jackson finished his tenure as head coach of the Cleveland Browns with a record of three wins, 36 losses, and one tie. In hindsight, it’s remarkable that Jackson was given a second year in charge after starting the 2016 season 0–14 and finishing 1–15; it’s even more incredible that he was given ...
Stephen A. Smith Tells The Hard Truth About Carmelo Anthony
Last April, Stephen A. Smith rained down righteous fury upon then-Knicks president Phil Jackson. New York fans have probably never felt in greater alignment with ESPN’s handsomely compensated take ejaculator. It was beautiful and cathartic to witness, all storm and fury, audible saliva froth and rec...
Scottish Soccer Fan Punches Goalkeeper In The Face, While Another Beans Manager With A Coin
The behavior of two asshole fans threatened to ruin the spectacle of yesterday’s Scottish Premiership match between rivals Hearts and Hibernian. One of the assholes punched Hearts’ keeper in the face in the middle of the match, and the other chucked a coin at Hibs’ manager, striking the coach square...
What Will It Take To Get Jim Jordan Out Of Congress?
LIMA, Ohio — Within five minutes of meeting Janet Garrett’s campaign team for the first time, I’m asked to help with their speaker set-up. The laptop audio playing the Spotify playlist is coming out of the projector, and they don’t know how to hook it up to the main speaker, where it would be louder...
Who Needs Jimmy Butler When You've Got Uhh Derrick Rose
The Timberwolves held Jimmy Butler out of their Halloween home game against the Utah Jazz, for honestly who knows what reason. Shams says it’s part of “a six-week-long process aimed at getting the All-Star out of Minnesota.” Woj says it was for rest. Either way, the Jazz are tough customers, and sit...
Hail Of Beer Cans At Red Sox Parade Injured One Fan, Got Another Arrested, And Damaged The World Series Trophy
Victory parades are one of the few times when a person can get away with drinking in public without getting arrested or making their friends concerned. It’s helpful if you’re famous, too. As the Boston Red Sox made their way along the parade route today, overeager fans who were willing to share thei...
The Sacramento Kings Are, Uh, Fine? Maybe?
Okay, so, here we are, eight games into the NBA season, and the Sacramento Kings are 5-3. Sure, it’s early, and sure, the Kings have had decent starts before only to collapse into piles of shit. All the usual caveats apply, and the Kings could very easily turn back into a pumpkin when the clock stri...
The Rockets Suck
Yes, okay, fine: James Harden has a strained hamstring that kept him out of the past two games, including last night’s blowout home loss to the Blazers, which dropped the Rockets’ record to 1-5. And yes, Chris Paul missed the two games prior to Harden’s outage—both losses—serving his suspension for ...
Red Sox Manager Alex Cora At Victory Parade: "We Scored 16 At Yankee Stadium, Suck On It"
The Red Sox are holding their championship parade today, and manager Alex Cora had a message for anyone who thought the team was in trouble after dropping Game 2 of the ALDS to the Yankees:...
The Browns Are Being The Browns
Happy Halloween from Emergency Football Show Weekly! This week Dom and I discuss the Browns’ coaching changes, why morning NFL games are so great (Dom—and West Coasters—may disagree), Michael Dickson’s fourth-down run and Todd Gurley’s decision to go down before scoring a touchdown. Enjoy!...