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Goddamn, John Tortorella Is <i>Pissed</i>
I want to begin by noting that it’s pretty funny that this latest, greatest round of beef between the Blue Jackets and Penguins is all over Jack Johnson, of all players, a bottom-pairing defenseman on the wrong side of 30 and coming off his worst season as a pro. That said: Give me the beef!...
Rockets Retain Chris Paul, Get Worse
Chris Paul has reportedly agreed to a four-year maximum contract worth $160 million to stay in Houston and continue fine-tuning the absolutely hateful brand of basketball he and James Harden pioneered last season. But they will have to do it without their most accomplished and important three-and-D ...
Attorney: Ronald Darby's Text Messages Showed He Wasn't With Jameis Winston, Despite Claiming He Was
Jameis Winston took the NFL equivalent of a deal earlier this week, agreeing to be suspended for three games in return for not appealing his league-sanctioned punishment after an Uber driver said he groped her. In return for Winston agreeing to his suspension, the NFL hasn’t revealed much about what...
Magi Came From The East Upon Seeing Jesus’s Star; Tim Tebow Is An Eastern League All-Star
Binghamton Rumble Ponies outfielder Tim Tebow, a 30-year-old man who has admirably persisted in his dream of playing professional sports for a living, has earned himself a small token of success by being named to the Eastern League All-Star Game. Tebow has only batted .261 all season, but heated up ...
The NFL Did A Deal With Jameis Winston
The NFL was very pleased with itself back in 2014 when it announced its new hardline policy that “violations of the Personal Conduct Policy regarding assault, battery, domestic violence or sexual assault that involve physical force will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games.” Though th...
Don't Leave Elena Delle Donne This Wide Open<em></em>
The Mystics squashed the Liberty in dramatic fashion on Thursday night, thanks to an Elena Delle Donne buzzer beater. She got the shot off thanks to a brilliantly drawn inbounds play, but also because the Liberty played some atrocious defense that left Delle Donne with an acre of space at the three-...
Brewers And Reds Engage In Grade D Beef During Home Plate Conversation<em></em>
The Brewers and Reds must have been getting antsy in their respective dugouts on Thursday night, because the teams mutually decided to hold their seventh-inning stretch a few innings early. Normally, the benches clear in baseball when there’s some sort of a confrontation, or a threat of violence. B...
USA Gymnastics Finally Names New National Team Coordinator
USA Gymnastics announced today that Tom Forster, a coach and gym owner from Colorado, will be the new coordinator for the U.S. women’s national team. But, per the press release from USA Gymnastics, the job appears to have been renamed. Instead of calling him the national team coordinator, which was ...
Dayton Moore Is Being An Idiot
The tell is how little Dayton Moore is trying. The Royals’ general manager could point to the statistics that show Luke Heimlich is highly unlikely to reoffend. He could go into detail about how sex-offender registries and similar banishments don’t work, especially for juvenile offenders. He could e...
Barstool Sports Founder Tells Employee She'll Be Too Ugly To Be On Camera In Five Years
During yesterday’s edition of Barstool Radio, a show enjoyed exclusively by Deloitte interns who wish they were still in college, Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said that one of his employees, 20-year-old Ria Ciuffo, would be too ugly to continue as an on-camera personality in five years. “She...
Jameis Winston Suspended Three Games For Groping Uber Driver
As expected, the NFL has issued a three-game suspension to Buccaneers QB Jameis Winston. Winston is accused of grabbing an Uber driver’s crotch at a drive-through window in March 2016, after his rookie season. The driver, known only as Kate, told her story to Buzzfeed in November 2017....
Everything You Need To Know About Penalty Shootouts, Including, Just Maybe, How To Win
Let’s start in the nightmare parallel universe in which the rules of the NBA dictate that, after J.R. Smith outmuscles Kevin Durant for the rebound and dribbles out the clock in a tie game, the starting fives for the Cleveland Cavaliers and Golden State Warriors each shoot a single free throw, tally...
The Lakers May Get Their Big Three, Or Nothing
It’s curious how passively worded this ESPN report from Wednesday was, as if “pressure is mounting” all by itself, rather than being applied by anyone:...
Court Docs: Ex-Baylor A.D. Says Everyone Was In On The Sexual-Assault Coverup
Before addressing the latest revelation of horrifying details about the years Baylor spent covering up sexual assault, it is worth first noting the source. Former athletic director Ian McCaw was one of the first people to leave when the story became national news, and then landed at Liberty Universi...
Kevin Ollie's Fight With UConn Is Heating Up
Former men’s basketball coach Kevin Ollie has spent the last three months fighting UConn’s dubious claim that they fired him “for cause.” He’s trying to recover the $10 million the school thinks it no longer has to pay him because of the nature of his termination. In response to a Freedom of Informa...
The Sacramento Kings Are Mining Cryptocurrency Now
The Sacramento Kings, who in 2014 began accepting Bitcoin for ticket and merch sales, have now installed cryptocurrency mining machines inside their arena, becoming, by their own proclamation, “the first team in the world to mine digital currency.” Sure, why not....
Sergio Romo Tried To Start Some Shit With The Nationals Over A Stolen Base From Three Weeks Ago
Sergio Romo capped off a shutout win for the Rays over the Nationals this afternoon by striking out Michael Taylor. Rather than quietly saunter back to his dugout, Romo took the opportunity to stunt on Taylor, which stoked the ire of the Nationals. Benches cleared and everyone got to do that basebal...
I Can't Stop Staring At Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Ass Tattoos
This week, in the annual Body Issue of ESPN The Magazine, Zlatan showed his ass, and friends, the ass is a masterpiece....
The Cotton Candy Hot Dog Will Kill Us All
If you haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch yet today, it may be exceedingly difficult to do so now. Over the weekend, the Erie Seawolves, the Double-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers, unveiled a special product for their Sugar Rush Night. It is the kind of special anti-treat that you will never be able...
Tyler Hilinski's Autopsy Shows Former Washington State QB Had CTE
Washington State QB Tyler Hilinski’s family opened up to Sports Illustrated’s Greg Bishop about their son’s death by suicide and how they’ve been coping since. Hilinski was found dead of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound in January, and according to an autopsy of Hilinski’s brain performed...