ump Page 28 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Umpire Joe West Sues Retired Catcher Paul Lo Duca Over Bribery Allegations
Umpire Joe West has had his share—some would say more than his share—of failures. You would be well within your rights to describe him as unreliable, ornery, confrontational, or an occasional obnoxious textualist. He’s been all of those things! But one thing West will not hesitate to sue your ass ov...
A Brief Interview With A Novice Climber Who Comfortably Scaled A Replica Of Trump's Border Wall
Donald Trump is confident that the wall along the southern border—which was the central promise of his presidential campaign, and which is slowly, stupidly, expensively, illegally, taking shape—cannot be scaled. “We got climbers. We had 20 mountain climbers,” the president burbled last month. “That’...
Report: One Of Rudy Giuliani's Ukraine Cronies Was Once Sued By The Miami Heat
Now that Lev Parnas, one of Rudy Giuliani’s henchmen and a member of Trump’s inner circle, has been arrested and charged with manipulating the American electoral system and funneling Russian money into U.S. elections, all sorts of details are emerging and reemerging about his slimy little life....
Gross, Someone Let Their Cat Puke In The Stanley Cup
There’s a long and storied history of NHL players putting gross shit in the Stanley Cup in the offseason after they win it all. But whoever let their cat vomit up this hairy this mound of flesh-colored puke into the Cup yesterday owes everybody an apology. In the past, the trophy’s been filled with...
Meatball President Criticizes NBA Coaches For Weak Statements On China, Instead Of Answering Direct Question About China
President Trump was asked a direct question Wednesday about the ongoing and escalating conflict between the NBA and the Chinese government, which started with a seven-word tweet of support for Hong Kong pro-democracy protesters from Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey. Because he is incapabl...
Marlon Humphrey's Fist Helps Ravens Escape Pittsburgh With A Win
Sunday’s edition of the Ravens-Steelers rivalry wasn’t exactly what people would call a “classic,” or “all that watchable.” As overtime approached, I personally wished for the sweet release of death to arrive before the end of the game did. Fortunately, it did not so I was able to witness Marlon Hum...
Witness The Invention Of The Tandem Bicycle-Kick Goal
Fans who showed up to Thailand’s pleasantly named 80th Birthday Stadium for Wednesday’s match between Nakhon Ratchasima and Buriram United were in for a treat when two Nakhon players executed a move no one watching had likely ever seen before: the tandem bicycle-kick goal....
Let’s Remember Some Guys: Donald Trump Knows Ryan Klesko Very Well
When I was a kid, anything glossy and gold meant fancy. It meant expensive. The first premium baseball card set was 1989’s glossy Upper Deck set, which was the one with the Griffey rookie card. Pretty soon everyone got in on it. Fleer and Topps soon released glossy sets. A sort of arms race ensued i...
Ravens Try To Clear Marlon Humphrey By Releasing Video Of Him Pushing Fist Into Odell Beckham Jr.'s Neck
Ravens cornerback Marlon Humphrey and Browns receiver Odell Beckham Jr. were getting chippy all game Sunday during Cleveland’s 40-25 victory. There were no ejections, only offsetting penalties, when the two locked up, Beckham took a swing, then Humphrey threw him to the ground. Browns head coach Fre...
Tennis Umpire Suspended For Coaching Player, Creeping On Ball Girl During Match
Tennis chair umpire Gianluca Moscarella of Italy was suspended yesterday for being an outrageous cheater and a creep during an ATP Tour Challenger match on Saturday. During the second-round match between Portugal’s Pedro Sousa and Italy’s Enrico Della Valle, the umpire coached and encouraged Sousa a...
You Probably Shouldn't Be Able To Strangle A Guy On A Football Field
On Sunday, the Browns finally looked like the team everyone hoped they would be in 2019, beating the Ravens 40-25 while putting up 530 total yards of offense. Even more impressive is that they were able to do all that without much of a contribution from Odell Beckham Jr., who finished the game with ...
This Guy Truly Has No Idea What He's Talking About
It is a problem for President Donald Trump that it’s often impossible to tell what the hell he’s talking about. This is not one of those signature Trump defects that can readily be spun into a secret strength or as a subtle bit of advanced dealcraft that only experts and initiates can appreciate. H...
Stop Calling It "Gaslighting"
“Lie” is a great word. It’s a short, to-the-point noun with a universally agreed upon meaning that we all learn before we even enter kindergarten. Call someone a liar, and any English-speaker in the world will require no clarification—they’ll know that someone isn’t telling the truth....
College Football Coaches Love To Get Upset About The Internet
College football coaches, as a general rule, are a weird group of people. The job seems built to attract a specific type of deeply strange person—take the most obsessive and ambitious and aggressive gym teacher possible, then pay him millions of dollars and make him one of the most recognizable and ...
Swiss Army Says It May Scold Mountain Biker For "Mooning" Donald Trump On Instagram
The Swiss Army said it could reprimand world champion mountain biker Nino Schurter for posting a picture of his ass, along with the asses of three others, in front of the White House and tagging Donald Trump....
Joe West Picked One Hell Of A Time To Make His Worst Call Of The Night
It had been a while since Joe West made his way into the spotlight, so the umpire decided that the bottom of the ninth in a one-run game was a good time to give his despised brand of officiating a solid boost. Blue Jays closer Ken Giles had just thrown a 97 mph fastball to Brett Gardner well outside...
Nutty Blackmail Plot Involves "Well-Known" Premier League Player Jumping Out Hotel Window Mid-Booty Call
When one Premier League player, whose name is being protected by the authorities, walked into Natalie Wood’s hotel room last year and began to undress, he must’ve believed he was only in for another night of fun and sex with the woman for whom he’d been cheating on his partner. Instead, before the p...
Donald Trump Namedrops “Big Strong Guy” Ryan Klesko During Mariano Rivera Ceremony
Donald Trump’s speech this afternoon was relatively lucid. He stayed on topic, and he even used a series of facts to prove his point, which was that Mariano Rivera was the greatest baseball pitcher of all time. It wasn’t quite diplomacy, but this 15-minute speech about baseball might have been the l...
Donald Trump: We Love Bill Belichick, Don't We, And Also Curing AIDS?
There are two versions of President Donald Trump that appear in public. They both inhabit the same body—the same Youppi-shaped torso pitched forward at the same implausible angles, same ghost-pale eyelids fluttering alarmingly, same resplendent candyfloss Kangol of hair stuck on top of it like a wei...
Donald Trump Is Not Going To Let This Hurricane Thing Go
It can be difficult to remember given that he routinely appears on television with toilet paper on the soles of both his shoes and at least one of his hands stuck in a big jug of peanut butter, but Donald Trump’s opening position in all things is that he has never been wrong. He has been wronged, an...