ump Page 39 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

MLB Umpire Dale Scott Retires After Series Of Concussions

Longtime MLB umpire Dale Scott has decided to retire, citing a string of concussions in recent years and his fear that any more could lead to long-term health effects....

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke Is Mad Because <i>Outside Magazine</i> Pointed Out He's A Fly Fishing Novice

One of the stupidest plans that the extremely stupid Trump administration is currently carrying out is a dramatic shrinking of Bears Ears National Monument in Utah. Trump recently announced that he would cut the size of Bears Ears by 85 percent and halved the size of the Grand Staircase-Escalante Na...

Lindsey Vonn: "I Hope To Represent The People Of The United States, Not The President"<em></em>

American skier Lindsey Vonn, who’s returning to the Olympics next year for the first time since 2010, says that she wouldn’t accept an invitation to the White House after the 2018 Games in Pyeongchang if she were invited. In an interview with CNN, Vonn said that she wants to “represent the people o...

Donald Trump's Weird Teeth Create The Worst Possible Combination Of Images And Sounds

It’s rude of me to do this, but I’m going to ask that you both watch and listen to this clip of Donald Trump giving a speech today, in which our wet, slurring load of a president seems to be struggling to keep his own teeth in his mouth:...

Tiger Woods's Trump National Tune Up Was Apparently A Smashing Success

Tiger Woods played in a foursome Saturday at Trump National Golf Club in Jupiter, Florida, with current world number one Dustin Johnson, idiot President Donald Trump, and Brad Faxon, a PGA Tour Champions player and Fox Sports golf analyst. These casual rounds have taken on real meaning as Tiger gear...

My Fellow Americans, I Regret To Inform You That Our Idiot President Is Being Owned Again

Yes, our dingus mingus of a President said something dumb and wrong, and once again he is being owned online for it. This time, in an effort to protect his image from the indignity of, umm, not being on the cover of one specific issue of one specific magazine, he made some shit up about “actually, I...

Report: NFL May Go Back To Keeping Players In Locker Room During Anthem

NFL owners might have decided last month not to make any changes to the league’s national anthem policy, which meant there would be no punishments for players who are using the anthem as a platform to protest racial inequality. But that doesn’t mean things won’t be changing next year....

It's A Butt

The American Experiment Has Failed

CNN anchor Chris Cuomo lectured LaVar Ball about gratitude tonight, following President Donald Trump’s whiny rant this weekend about how he should have left Ball’s son LiAngelo in a Chinese jail with two other UCLA basketball players because he doesn’t feel that LaVar has been thankful enough....

Trump Tweets About Marshawn Lynch Sitting For The Anthem; I Can't Believe We're Still Doing This

I’m so, so sick of this, but if I have to deal with it I’m gonna make you deal with it too:...

Donald Trump Wishes He'd Left UCLA Teens In Chinese Prison Because His Feelings Are Hurt

You knew this was coming. Just as sure as you were that President Trump would take credit for three shoplifting dipshits not being condemned to prison, you had to know he would express resentment over LaVar Ball downplaying the role Trump played in expediting the return of three UCLA freshman to fre...

LaVar Ball Burns President Trump For Supposed Intervention In China

LiAngelo Ball and two other UCLA freshmen shoplifted some expensive sunglasses while in Hangzhou, and were arrested for it. From the looks of things, the Chinese government elected not to take the dipshit theft of a few dipshit college athletes very seriously, and so the young dipshit perpetrators w...

Donald Trump Jr. Is Good At Weightlifting And Should Lift Even More

Over the weekend, first child and fitness guru Donald Trump Jr. posted a video of himself deadlifting 375 pounds in his socks....

The Eight Truths I Learned From Humping Athletes

This piece originally appeared in the April 1995 issue of GQ. It is reprinted here with permission....

LiAngelo Ball And Fellow UCLA Shoplifters Are Coming Home

After just under a week of speculation of how the legal process would play out for a trio of UCLA freshmen caught shoplifting in China, LiAngelo Ball, Cody Riley, and Jalen Hill are on their way back to America. The group was released by Chinese police following their detainment for nabbing Louis Vu...

Report: Trump Asked China To Cut LiAngelo Ball And The UCLA Shoplifters Some Slack

According to the Washington Post’s David Nakamura, Donald Trump asked Chinese president Xi Jinping to look into helping out UCLA freshmen LiAngelo Ball, Cody Riley, and Jalen Hill, who were arrested last week when they were caught shoplifting from high-end luxury stores....

The Politico Goes On A Cletus Safari, Finds Two Angry NFL Fans Willing To Say What They Mean<em></em>

The world demonstrably does not need another Cletus safari into the heart of Trump’s America, but The Politico has one for you anyway. In this one, writer Michael Kruse checks in with Trump voters in and around the multiply depressed city of Johnstown, Pa., a year after the election to see how they ...

Howie Schwab Is Coming Back To TV

In announcing their team of analysts, play-by-play, and studio guys for the upcoming college basketball season, Fox included one throwback name that’s exciting for any fans of mid-2000s ESPN Classic programming: Howie Schwab, a.k.a. just “The Schwab.” He’ll be a “bracketologist” in the Fox studio th...

World Temporarily Deprived Of President's Death Penalty Takes For Eleven Minutes [Updated]

For six or so glorious minutes this evening, the president’s personal Twitter account—@RealDonaldTrump—was gone. Whether he temporarily deleted it himself, intentionally or not, or was the subject of some weirdly brief disciplinary action from the platform (he did, after all, tweet about his wish fo...

There Is No Way Trump Knows The Lyrics To The National Anthem<em></em>

Today is Halloween. Is Tuesday the absolute shittiest possible day for Halloween to land on? Why yes, I believe it’s neck and neck with Monday for that particular honor. I’m starting to think that the old “the day after the Super Bowl should be a day off work” take should also apply to Halloween. By...