united Page 153 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Maybe Don't Tell Romelu Lukaku What To Do
Romelu Lukaku, the Premier League’s leading scorer and guy who is way too talented to be frittering his talents away on Everton, a mid-table club with no real shot at the Champions League, was fed up today during Everton’s 1-1 draw with Manchester United. ...
Everton Score Stupid Goal, Manchester United Get Late Penalty, Both Go Home Unhappy
Today’s Manchester United-Everton game could’ve been a big deal to either team. If Everton won, they would’ve leapt over Arsenal and United to take the fifth spot in the table, just five points behind Man City in fourth; while they still would’ve had basically no realistic shot of finishing in the t...
You Dumb Idiot
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"Megatron's Butthole" Is Stopped Up
The Atlanta Falcons will ostensibly begin play this fall in their new stadium (with its eight-petal retractable roof, which Drew referred to as “Megatron’s Butthole” and now I cannot think of it any other way). Except: the stadium was supposed to be open by now. But it wasn’t ready, so they pushed i...
Wayne Rooney's Potential Return To Everton Actually Makes Lots Of Sense
It’s long felt inevitable that one of these days Everton’s prodigal son Wayne Rooney would return home. Judging from a report in the Independent that quotes sources close to Everton and Manchester United as believing the move is “likely to happen” this summer, we might be mere months away from seein...
Would You Eat A Peeled Banana That Other People Touched?<em></em>
Manchester United’s Marcos Rojo brought a glimmer of excitement to an otherwise dull afternoon of Europa League soccer by eating a banana. United was up 1-0 over Rostov in the second leg of the round of 16, when Rojo, apparently, felt like he was cramping up and requested a nanner. ...
Paul Pogba Is Good
If the statement in the headline of this post—Paul Pogba is good—seems ridiculous to you, too trivially obvious to be worth saying, then you’re in luck, because it means you haven’t had your mind numbed by some of the predictably over-the-top criticism he has been subject to since joining the Premie...
Jose Mourinho Talks More Shit, Says "Judas Is No. 1"
Nothing—not losing, not winning, and certainly not cascading jeers from fans of his former club—will stop Jose Mourinho from talking heaps of trash. The man simply cannot help himself. On Monday, the fighting words came after Manchester United’s 1-0 loss to Chelsea in the FA Cup quarterfinal, during...
José Mourinho Believes He Did Chelsea A Huge Favor By Being So Terrible Last Season
José Mourinho thinks he deserves credit for Chelsea’s success this season. You can tell that this is true because he has said the exact opposite....
Tiny Russian Boy Meets José Mourinho, Can't Contain His Joy
If you’d like to see what the sentence “Oh my god, this is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me!” looks like when played out in real life, this Russian kid’s reaction to seeing José Mourinho in the tunnel before yesterday’s Rostov-Manchester United match will do the trick:...
Manchester United Experience Glories Of Europa League On Rostov's Rock-Hard Pitch
Europa League staples Manchester United should probably be used to the particular quirks of Europe’s JV competition by now, but it still has to suck to step onto your opponent’s pitch—in this case, Russian club Rostov’s—the day before a match and realize just how awful playing surfaces can be....
Atlanta United Fans Break Out Homophobic Chant During Inaugural Game
Atlanta’s new MLS team made its debut on Sunday, losing to the New York Red Bulls 2-1 in front of 55,000 new fans. Some fans cheered the team on and enjoyed themselves, some fans continued to engage in embarrassing “football” cosplay, and some fans got homophobic....
After Getting His Head Stomped On, Zlatan Ibrahimović Explains Elbowing Tyrone Mings: "It Was Unlucky He Jumped Into My Elbow"
Both Tyrone Mings and Zlatan Ibrahimović somehow avoided penalties after swapping some nasty plays in Manchester United and Bournemouth’s 1-1 draw today. After first clashing when Ibrahimović seemingly pushed Mings to the ground, things really got heated just before halftime when Ibrahimović tripped...
Keeper Gets Way Too Mad About Giving Up Goal
Even way down in the ninth tier of English soccer, players do not like to lose. Case in point: Cray Valley Paper Mills FC goalkeeper Jordan Carey’s reaction to this Ashford United goal:...
This Horrendous Atlanta United Fan Chant Is The Nadir Of American "Football" Cosplay
If you haven’t yet grasped why American soccer’s penchant for ripping off European fan culture without any of the history or tradition from which the real culture emerged is so embarrassing—think MLS team names like Sporting KC and D.C. United, or incidents like New York Red Bulls “ultras” tossing g...
Zlatan Ibrahimovic Free Kick Stunner Opens League Cup Final Scoring For Manchester United
Zlatan Ibrahimovic is back to doing Zlatan Ibrahimovic things, as he provided Manchester United a 1-0 lead in today’s League Cup final against Southampton with a free kick of absolute perfection. Give this man the serum that will let him play forever, please....
What A Ricochet
André Ayew’s equalizer for West Ham came after the most fortunate of rebounds....
Sutton United Uses Outfield Player In Goal Days After Backup Goalkeeper Resigned Over Sideline Pie-Eating
Sutton United has had a hell of a week. The fifth-division club’s Cinderella run through the FA Cup came to an end; the loss that knocked them out of the tournament involved their large adult backup goalkeeper Wayne Shaw eating a pie on the sidelines, which led to a gambling probe, which led to Shaw...
![Big Fat Goalkeeper Faces Gambling Probe For Eating Pie During Match [UPDATE]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/lyrnxkrbc7qnbffnwbq2.jpg)
Big Fat Goalkeeper Faces Gambling Probe For Eating Pie During Match [UPDATE]
Large boy Wayne Shaw, the backup goalkeeper for fifth-division Sutton United, has inevitably become a meme over the course of his team’s cinderella run to the fifth round of the FA Cup, which pits teams from up and down the league pyramid, and leads to wonderful, silly matchups like yesterday: Big, ...
Paul Pogba And Zlatan Ibrahimović Come Off The Bench To Team Up For Manchester United's Winning Goal<em></em>
Three days after Zlatan Ibrahimović impressed with a hat trick against Saint-Étienne, here he is with a goal far prettier and more exciting than any of his three from Thursday:...