us Page 1047 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
I Will Joust You With My Finger, Bitch.
It's very sadly missing from the Sunday TV sports lineup, but there is a hot new sport on the horizon. It's called Finger Jousting, and it's sweeping the... okay, it's not sweeping the nation or anything else. But they do have a website. So that's step one. Here's how the sport works:...
Just Another Manic Monday
Before the week runs its course and we head into our pleasant weekend of barbecues and hangovers, we just wanted to once again salute the genius of CLEVELAND'S INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER Carl Monday, who continues to blow the lid of the cottage "jerking off in a library to get away from one's terrifyi...
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day
So a local television station in Cleveland decided to put together an "investigative report" on the dangers of allowing your children to go to the public library....
When You're Talking Sex, You're Talking Enron Field
On Sunday, the Houston Astros shutout the Texas Rangers 5-0 in Houston, securing a series win over their in-state rivals. To celebrate, a Houston policeman at the game decided to have sex with two women. Makes sense!...
This Is Why Everyone Needs To Synchronize Their Swatches
In Paris, earlier today (or yesterday, or whatever that time difference is), the IAAF — perhaps the most useless acronym in sports; it stands for International Association of Athletics Federations, which is kind like saying you have a Collection of Associated Alliances — announced that sprinter Ju...
Dolphins Not Liable For Future Damages, So You Know
We don't mean to imply that the Miami Dolphins are covering their tailfeathers a bit with Marcus "New Mexico" Vick, whom they just signed to a free agent contract, but here's what was included in the official press release about the signing....
Justin Gatlin Can Haul
By no stretch of the imagination could I be considered a fan of track and field. Sure, every four years, I'll pay it some mind, but other than that, it's a little off the radar. But when a man breaks the world record by running 100 meters in 9.76 seconds, well, that'll grab your attention. Americ...
The Ballad Of The Bored SI Staffer
We know it goes. You've worked a late night, and your editor — who told this job had all kinds of writing possibilities, that it was Sports Illustrated, before you realized the job was just writing taglines and editing Jenn Sterger's copy — is on your case to do one last photo gallery. You're bleary...
So Much For That Fresh Start!
We're actually pretty big fans of Sports Ilustrated's Tom Verducci — who never gets enough credit (or blame, depending on your perspective) for being out front of this whole steroid story from the get-go — but we feel maybe he's gotten a bit too caught up in it all. He's become such an anti-steroi...
The Closer: Fear The Awesome Hitting Might Of Mark Mulder
Notes from a day of baseball. • 1. Mulder Gets A Little Raucous During Housewarming Party. When they said that the new Busch Stadium would be a pitcher's ballpark, we didn't know they meant it this way. Cardinals starter Mark Mulder clubbed his first career home run on Monday, right over the new H...
It's A Brand New Yard In St. Louis
To put it less eloquently than Cardinals Diaspora, today our beloved St. Louis Cardinals begin officially making people like us — who wax nostalgic about the old Busch Stadium — into blathering old farts. In about five minutes, the new Busch Stadium hosts its first game, with the Cardinals playing t...
Matt Leinart Wasting Opportunities Already
ESPN.com has gotten Matt Leinart to document his draft process with a "Draft Diary," detailing his experiences in the days leading up to the NFL Draft....
Julius Hodge Shot
Nuggets guard Julius Hodge was driving on I-76 in north Denver when a vehicle pulled up alongside his and started unloading. Hodge was hit several times in his lower body, but the team said he's in fair condition and expected to make a full recovery....
The New New Busch Stadium
With all the stories going on right now — Bonds, Roger Clemens' dry cleaning, Anna Benson's shifting views on fidelity — the question that affects us the most deeply is: What's the new Busch Stadium going to look like? Our beloved Cardinals move into a new stadium this year, and though the big lea...
Roger Clemens' Multinational Laundry
Yesterday, perpetual retiree Roger Clemens was in Houston to receive his National League Championship Ring. As usual, Clemens was asked about his plans for this season, whether he'll retire, whether he'll play, who he would play for, so on, ad nauseum. But then the conversation took a bizarre, and...
You're Doing A Heckuva Job, Dusty
It's Opening Day, and that means it's time to play "What's Your Caption?"...
People Will Come, Ray...
I admit, I've never been much for the sappy "crack of the bat, smell of the green grass" imagery that seems to be inspired by the opening of the baseball season. But I can get behind these sounds of the season: San Diego Serenade has put together a list of 9 songs (complete with downloadable mp3s)...
College Athletes Continue To Disgrace Rap Music
Quickly: Which member of the UConn Huskies men's basketball team would you say is least likely to record a rap song?...
Your NL Central "Preview"
Our personal favorite division has had a monotonous feel to it the last few years, with the Cardinals and the Astros advancing and meeting in the NLCS two consecutive times. (This, of course, is fine with us.) We also have a feeling that the NL Central is the only division in baseball with three ...
George Mason Makes The World A Better Place
Obviously, we'll be talking about this all week, but we'd just like to start off by saying a world in which George Mason can beat Michigan State, North Carolina and Connecticut in the span of a week is a world we feel newly invigorated about living in....