w Page 2801 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Spurs Win At The Buzzer, Get Crapped On By Gregg Popovich
The 11-42 Phoenix Suns are a putrid basketball team, and their purpose in the NBA ecosystem is to roll over every night and hand out career-best performances to opposing players who aren’t actually all that good. They are so bad, in fact, that just beating them by two points is grounds to get you a...
Zavier Simpson's Skyhook Is One Of The Seven Wonders Of The World
Michigan junior point guard Zavier Simpson picked up only the sixth triple-double in school history on Tuesday night, and of all opponents, he did it in a win against Ohio State. Zavier (formerly Xavier) notched 11 points, 12 assists, zero turnovers, and—most astonishingly for a guy who’s only liste...
Jahlil Okafor, Of All People, Leads The Gutted Pelicans To A Road Victory Over The Rockets
The list of guys who couldn’t play Tuesday night for the Pelicans is very nearly a list of every established and half-decent player on the roster. This was a nationally televised game against the surging Rockets, and the lineups foretold an ugly, lopsided massacre:...
Proud Hockey Parents Mark Son's First Professional Fight By Coming Nowhere Close On Celebratory High Five
Late in the second period of Tuesday night’s Jets-Bruins game, Bruins youngster Trent Frederic threw down with Jets wing Brandon Tanev. Tanev, perhaps lulled into a false sense of security by Frederic’s apple cheeks and youthful complexion, was truly not at all ready for the hands:...
Sergei Bobrovsky Gives Good Lesson On How Not To Play Goaltender<em></em>
The Sabres and Blue Jackets are mostly back from the all-star break tonight, but Columbus is still waiting on goaltender Sergei Bobrovsky to return from his vacation. In Bobrovsky’s defense, facing top Buffalo goal-scorer Jeff Skinner on a breakaway is nobody’s idea of “easing back into it,” but the...
NHL Suspends Predators' Austin Watson For "Ongoing Issues With Alcohol Abuse"
Nashville Predators forward Austin Watson has been suspended indefinitely without pay by the NHL, and has entered the second stage of the league’s substance abuse program, for “ongoing issues with alcohol abuse.” ...
Bad Soccer Manager Suspended Five Months For Headbutting The Everloving Shit Out Of Opposing Coach<em></em>
Giancarlo Favarin manages Italian third-tier club Lucchese. During a match against Alessandria on Sunday, he found himself in a spat with an assistant coach on the opposing side. In an effort to settle the dispute, Favarin rammed his massive, shiny forehead straight through the assistant’s nose:...
NBA Fines Anthony Davis For Self-Tampering In Public, Alarming Onlookers<em></em>
ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski reported Monday that the NBA was investigating Pelicans center Anthony Davis for self-tampering in front of God and everyone. Davis expressing (through his agent) the desire to be traded, on and all over the record, scandalized the Pelicans to the point that the team put ou...
What Does Miguel Almirón’s Record Transfer Mean For The MLS?
You see what you want to see when you look at Miguel Almirón’s reported MLS-record $27 million transfer to the Premier League’s Newcastle United....
God Help Us All, DeMarcus Cousins Is Fitting In Perfectly With The Warriors
For six months, Steve Kerr urged caution. Yes, DeMarcus Cousins joining the Warriors was a ridiculous coup, but Boogie’s recovery from an Achilles tendon tear was going to take time. Sure, the four-time all-star’s arrival in Oakland on a one-year rental represented yet another instance of Golden Sta...
Qatar Beat The Hell Out Of UAE And Then Got A Bunch Of Shoes Thrown At Them
The UAE had big hopes this winter. The tiny Middle Eastern nation is hosting this month’s Asian Cup, and national team appeared to be on the brink of something special when they qualified for the semifinals against their hated rivals, Qatar. Then Qatar beat the shit out of them so badly today that t...
Why Your Dumb Team Won't Trade For Anthony Davis
As you surely know by now, New Orleans Pelicans superstar Anthony Davis requested a trade. He wants to leave that derelict organization for one that will give him a chance to contend for championships. The Pelicans can deal him by next Thursday’s trade deadline, or they can wait until the season end...
Report: Anthony Davis Burns With A Desire That Can Only Be Satisfied By Joining The Lakers
After the flaming supernova that is Anthony Davis put in a trade request earlier this week, sending both the New Orleans Pelicans into panic mode and the rest of the NBA into a rabid frenzy, all that was left to discover was how Davis would go about exerting his considerable leverage to land in a pr...
Hate The Patriots For The Right Reason
The idea as pitched was to do one more takeout of the essential evil that is the New England Patriots collective—because, yeah, that’s never been done before. Up until now, it’s been one hagiography after another, because the Patriots have been so damned cuddly and cheek-pinchable. The helmet logo i...
I Went Backstage At The Puppy Bowl And Tried To Interview A Bunch Of Puppies
The Puppy Bowl began as Super Bowl counterprogramming. Everyone’s watching football, so why not just throw a bunch of puppies on the screen and call it a day? Somehow, that worked not just as filler but as actual programming. The Puppy Bowl airs Sunday for the 15th straight year....
Just Several Frightening Seconds Of Zion Williamson Gobbling Up An Opposing Ball-Handler Like A Delicious Turkey Dinner
The disgusting Duke Blue Devils worked over Notre Dame Monday night, behind another ridiculous performance from Zion Williamson. Young Zion scored 26 points in 33 minutes, on just 12 total shots, and pulled down nine rebounds, and led the game with four blocks. In general he was just way too much fo...
Grizzlies Explore New Depths Of Misery Via Excruciating Kyle Anderson Meltdown
The Memphis Grizzlies spent the late stages of their Monday night home game against the Nuggets barfing away what had been a 25-point lead. Denver grabbed its first lead of the entire game with under a minute left in the fourth quarter; the teams traded buckets over the following 15 seconds (includi...
Lonzo Ball Would Prefer To Be Traded Where He Can Start Right Away, Just As I Would Prefer To Stalk My Enemies From Atop A Mighty Tyrannosaur
The Lakers are expected to offer some combination of young foundational players to the Pelicans in exchange for Anthony Davis, who requested a trade from New Orleans over the weekend. The most prominent of those young players is one Lonzo Ball, who by this time last year was viewed as the crown jew...
NBA Investigating Anthony Davis Trade Request For Signs Of Self-Tampering
Anthony Davis has requested a trade from the New Orleans Pelicans, a half-assed basketball operation that squandered all but a few hours of his NBA career to date. Adrian Wojnarowski reported it; he had the scoop because Rich Paul, Davis’s agent, told him. Just a few hours later, the Pelicans public...
Can WWE Be Trusted With Intergender Wrestling?
The Royal Rumble is where WWE usually pulls out its biggest surprises of the year, with debuts and nostalgic returns littering the titular matches, in which 30 men and 30 women enter one at a time, and the match continues until 29 of them have been thrown over the top rope to the floor. The winners ...