w Page 2862 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Andrew Luck Survived Throwing A Football, Quick Everyone Knock On Wood
The thrilling news out of Colts training camp this weekend was that quarterback Andrew Luck, whose throwing shoulder has been crabmeat for several hundred years now, completed three (3) days of practice without his arm falling off:...
Jacob DeGrom Is The Very Human Embodiment Of Futility
There’s a point in every typical Mets season when their astonishingly dependable ineptitude tips over from being a source of amusement to being a source of genuinely unpleasant secondhand embarrassment. Probably for Mets fans that moment reliably passes before the first day of summer; for the rest o...
Braves Announcers Throw Exquisitely Awkward Tantrum Over Dodgers Batting Practice Attire
Braves announcers and crusty old fuddy-duddies Joe Simpson and Chip Caray threw the saddest little mid-game tantrum Saturday night, during a Braves loss to the Dodgers. Braves hitters combined for three total hits and eight strikeouts on the night, and Braves starter Max Fried took the loss despite ...
Old Man Wayne Rooney Suffers Dearly For That MLS Life
Wayne Rooney scored his first MLS goal Saturday night, in his fourth match with DC United. The goal came in the 33rd minute of United’s match at home against Colorado—after the ball sort of chaotically pinged around in the midfield, United triggered a quick attacking move and Rooney finished it off ...
Craven Columnist: Various Circus Clowns Say Jimmy Garoppolo Should Not Date A Porn Actress
Several great-grandparents were deeply scandalized this month by the revelation that 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo had dinner with porn actress Kiara Mia, despite it being 2018 and there just being nothing lamer than wringing your hands over the social life of a fucking football player....
Whew, Tom Benson's Estate Battle Was Ugly And Sad As Hell
The legal proceedings by which three of late Saints and Pelicans owner Tom Benson’s closest family members were removed from his businesses and will were ugly, and marked by profane outbursts from an enfeebled Benson, according to a report from the New Orleans Advocate....
Tom Brady Gets Prickly As Hell About Alex Guerrero's Possible Connection To Julian Edelman's PED Suspension
Even though the Patriots have distanced themselves from Alex Guerrero, Tom Brady’s TB12 body coach and business partner’s name is still circling around New England. This time, though, it’s in connection with Julian Edelman’s four-game suspension for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug pol...
Outfielder Carlos Gomez Takes Mound, Pitches Exactly Like Non-Pitcher
The position-player-as-pitcher trend continues piling up numbers at a record pace. Three more position players took the mound Friday night; the total across MLB is now up to 45, by far the most ever for a full season, and it’s still July. One of the recent unfortunate fellows was Rays outfielder Ca...
Wildcats Fan Accused Of Illegally Hacking Restaurant's Cable Package In Order To Watch Arizona Basketball While Dining Out
Towards the upper end of a sliding scale measuring sports fanaticism—past painting your chest with your team’s logo on the day of the big game; in the range of meticulously pre-arranging the particulars of your burial, to serve as a final and eternal tribute to your team—there’s committing felony id...
MLB Tweets, Deletes Dumb, Sweaty, Racist Joke About Ichiro And Shohei Ohtani
Someone on Major League Baseball’s social media crew tweeted and then quickly deleted a joke Friday night comparing an image of Ichiro and Shohei Ohtani greeting each other to a meme showing two cartoon Spider-Men pointing at each other in mutual recognition and surprise:...
Dez Bryant Is Going Off On The Cowboys And Sean Lee
How are you spending your Friday evening? Free agent wide receiver Dez Bryant is spending his ripping the Cowboys—most notably shithead VP Stephen Jones, linebacker Sean Lee, and offensive tackle Travis Frederick—to shreds....
Dear The Jets: What The Hell Are You Doing With Sam Darnold?
The Jets drafted Sam Darnold in the hopes he would become their franchise quarterback, something they haven’t had for the better part of [checks notes] close to 50 years. Darnold, the third overall pick, was supposed to make his training camp debut today. But he was nowhere to be found in Florham Pa...
Giants Fans Lustily Boo Josh Hader In First Road Appearance Since Racist Tweets Surfaced<em></em>
Last night in San Francisco, Brewers reliever Josh Hader made his first road appearance since a trove of gross tweets he wrote as a teenager were surfaced during the All-Star Game. His home fans in Milwaukee feted him with a standing ovation when he took the mound for the first time after apologizin...
Malcolm Jenkins Calls Jerry Jones A "Bully" Who's Intimidating His Players To Stand For Anthem
Even though the NFL and its players’ union agreed this month to negotiate a better national anthem policy and not enforce the wholly unappealing one introduced in May, the Dallas Cowboys are going their own way. Team owner Jerry Jones said this week that he expects all his players to stand for the a...
Let's Remember Some Guys: WrestleMania Vol. III<em></em>
Remembering Guys does not necessarily have to involve trading cards. It’s a pursuit that can be equally at home anywhere on earth—a crowded train or a vast and silent desert work just about equally well for these purposes. I am Remembering a Guy right now. It’s the beefy former Mets corner infield p...
Most Embarrassing NFL Team Now Has Most Embarrassing Slogan
It’s never good to be a sports franchise that is so synonymous with failure that the prospect of brighter days ahead seems all but unimaginable. That ship sailed and sunk for the Cleveland Browns a long time ago, but now they seem to be attempting to reach an even more shameful depth. It’s one thing...
Simone Biles Makes The Absurd Look Routine<em></em>
Simone Biles is set to return to competition this weekend at the U.S. Classic in Columbus, Ohio. And in the podium training session today, she showed that she’s set to pick up right where she left off at the Olympics—by winning everything in dominant fashion with incredible skills that virtually no ...
After Years Of Disarray, Impact Wrestling Is Finally Getting It Together
If you’ve read about Impact Wrestling before in this space, you mostly haven’t read anything flattering. The wrestling promotion, which launched with weekly pay-per-view events in 2002 as TNA and is still widely known colloquially by that acronym—Total Nonstop Action, if you were wondering—has long...
Looney Tunes Characters, Ranked
Who would do this? And why? Drew Magary would, was the thing, and was gonna, and I’d rather die than let his rankings speak for the site and wind up with history recording that the place where I work said “R&B/Soul” was the second-best Looney Tunes character of all time. So we turned it into a scien...
Actually John Wall Looks Great
As you may have heard, all of NBA media, and indeed pretty much all of the western world, came together yesterday to deride Washington Wizards all-star guard John Wall for, uh, proudly refusing to conform to our culture’s rigid expectations of what a successful professional male athlete must look li...