Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," released October 27th and featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. With the pseudo-benching of Vince Young last week and the officially benching of Tarvaris Jackson this week (Thank you, Jesus), there are now four black starting quarterbacks in the NFL: David Garrard, Jason Campbell, Donovan McNabb, and JaMarcus Russell. And now that Brad Childress has finally wised the fuck up and realized, long after the rest of the world has, that Jackson is terrible quarterback, that number is unlikely to change any time this season. Good thing Childress benched Jackson, because I was ready to personally come to his house and wipe my ass on his bald fucking head if he hadn't.Unlike Young and Jackson, the four remaining black quarterbacks in the league are essentially pocket passers. You could argue that Garrard and McNabb are very mobile, but both usually only use their wheels as a last resort (McNabb prides himself on this fact). And that means the league is now completely devoid of highly mobile starting quarterbacks. Most teams have finally wised up and realized that mobile passers (like Michael Vick) have failed to live up to the promise of supposedly revolutionizing the position, and that trying to convert physically gifted (but raw) mobile quarterbacks into smart pocket passers is a complete waste of fucking time. Especially in today's NFL, where quarterbacks don't get five years to learn on the job anymore. In today's NFL, a passer gets two years, three at the absolute maximum, to show he can win games. If you don't come into the league at least somewhat skilled at standing tall in the pocket in a pro style offense, you're fucking useless in the NFL. And, as Vince Young, Kordell Stewart, and Michael Vick have proven, you can have physical skills that are far and away superior to that of your peers and it doesn't matter. The fact that Kerry Collins and Gus Frerotte, two complete stiffs, represent legitimate improvements from their respective predecessors only drives the point home further. If you can't quickly read a defense and get the ball out, you're not a quarterback. You're Eric Crouch, and you suck. This is a bad omen for the future of black quarterbacks in the league. People use terms like "mobile quarterbacks" and "pocket passers" as a way of both differentiating quarterbacks by way of style and, unfairly, race. When Vick and Young were both starting, these stereotypes were somewhat rooted in accuracy. But those guys are gone now, and both stand as giant warning signs to the rest of the league's teams that brilliant athletic ability is officially worthless without good quarterbacking ability. The position cannot be revolutionized. It is what it has always been. And players who can't play the game the way Tom Brady and Peyton Manning do can go right to the scrap heap. And that's a bad sign for anyone hoping a black quarterback can finally break through and win another Super Bowl long after Doug Williams did it the first time. Because the system, as it is set up now, could lead to a future that is almost totally devoid of silky smooth blackness as the league's glamour spot. Let's just cave in to stereotypes and say that black quarterbacks, in general, have more mobility than white quarterbacks. Go ahead. You're not a horrible person to assume so. Now, let's say you're a college coach. And let's say you've got a kickass black QB who can blaze a 4.4 down the field. Are you going to turn this guy loose in the open field and let him run the ball 10 or 15 times a game? Or would you, for the sake of his future pro career, tell him to stop running the ball and go through the painful process of teaching him to quickly read the defense across the entire field? Would you be willing to do that? Fuck and no, you wouldn't. If you're an athletically gifted black QB in high school, your physical talent is actually a giant detriment to your potential as a future All-Pro, because your college coach isn't going to use you in a way that will help you develop into something beyond what you already are. (He may also be subtly ignorant and assume you aren't a quick learner, an assumption he may not be as quick to make with a white QB.) He's got games to win and contracts to bail out on. He doesn't give a flying fuck about you. Why would he? He needs you to win games now, and he doesn't win games by helping you change the entire way you play the game. That takes time and effort, and it takes away from all the chances your coach has to host radio shows and suck his own dick. And college coaches LOVE sucking their own dicks. Especially Charlie Weis, who needs a very special traction device to be able to do so. The upshot of all this is that many physically gifted college QB's won't be ready to become successful pros. And pro teams, in turn, won't have the patience to develop them. This doesn't always work out along racial lines. The most physically gifted QB in all of college football is Tim Tebow, and there's a strong possibility that Tebow will follow in the footsteps of Alex Smith and become a giant bag of suck as a pro. But that fact is, a great many of these talented players will be black (like Andre' Woodson, who fell all the way to Round 6 of the draft last spring despite his breathtaking playmaking abilities). And, if college coaches refuse to mold a new generation of black pocket passers (if they ever bothered to begin with), their days at the position may be numbered. And players like Campbell and Russell, who have always been pocket passers, will remain rare exceptions to the rule. Now, you may not give a shit about this. Who cares what color a QB is, right? It's like the decreased number of blacks playing baseball. Only a bleeding heart liberal pussy would give a shit about such a thing, right? Maybe. But maybe the failure of quarterbacks like Vick, Jackson, and Young will serve to reinforce (in stupid people) the very old notion that blacks are too slow in the head to play the position. And a virtually all-white NFL quarterbacking corps would probably resurrect that stereotype to full health in short order. And that isn't all right. Because let me tell you something. Last Sunday, the two best young passers I saw out there were Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers. And Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers are two of the fucking biggest, whitest tools ever to walk this Earth. Please God, don't make me root for people like that. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Cowboys at Packers: Last year the Cowboys were far and away the best team in the NFC during the regular season. And there's every indication that they have now widened that gap even further, particularly if they beat the Packers. But you Cowboys should know something. You could go 16-0. You could win the Super Bowl. But until one of your wideouts attempts to fucking murder a teammate, and one of your defensive ends whips out his enormocock and throws poopy toilet paper at assistants, you will NEVER capture the hearts and loins of the Dallas faithful like the old Cowboys did. If I were you, I'd start fucking in airplanes more. Jaguars at Colts: Holy shit, the Colts are injured. I blame this on the Colts' training staff, who administer to all team injuries by placing their hands over the affected area, saying a small prayer, and then punching a gay person. Steelers at Eagles: It's bragging rights between Pittsburgh and Philly to decide which is the better town! It's like a trivia contest between Kige Ramsey and a piece of driftwood.
Four Throwgasms Jets at Chargers: Favre vs. Marmalard. See what I mean about white QB's being annoying as fuck? Saints at Broncos: Mike Shanahan on the ref crew last Sunday: "This was the best crew that we have had in the last 20 crews I have graded. They did a heck of a job." I fucking hate people like this. Why do you need to spin? You won the game, asshead. Go buy some more Polident and be happy for your luck.
Three Throwgasms Panthers at Vikings: Witness the potential miracle of a Viking QB throwing two straight completions. Cardinals at Redskins: With the injuries to the Seahawks, the Buzzsaw is, quite clearly, the most talented team in the NFC West. They SHOULD win this division, which is why they won't. Bucs at Bears
Two Throwgasms Dolphins at Patriots: If Matt Cassel wins another game, you will invariably start seeing non-Patriot fans on message boards using the phrases "Tom Brady" and "system QB" in the same sentence. I know I've had my fun with Patriots fans. But, honestly, if you Boston folk see anyone do this, you have carte blanche to bury a steak knife in that person's face. Bengals at Giants: Jesus, it's like someone swapped the Giants' September schedule with Kansas State's. Lions at 49ers Raiders at Bills Texans at Titans Browns at Ravens
One Throwgasm Chiefs at Falcons: It's hard to put into words just how terrible the Chiefs were last week. I don't know why they can't just show high-res images of Kelli Croyle throughout the duration of the telecast. Rams at Seahawks Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall/Metallica Mea Culpa
"The End Of The Line," by Metallica. It was in this space last week where I reviewed the video of Metallica's "Day That Never Comes," off of their new album. That song blows. But I made the mistake of assuming that song represented the style of the rest of "Death Magnetic." I was wrong. I was way fucking wrong. Rick Rubin, you are a goddamn saint. Bob Rock, you deserve to be trucked out to the Arctic and left for dead. Metallica is finally a thrash band again. Rubin must have sat the band down and told them, "Enough of this goddamn Lynyrd Skynyrd bullshit. You're fucking Metallica, you fucks. Now go play the kind of music only fucking Metallica can play." Then I bet Lars got all uppity, and then Rubin had to punch him right in his stupid fucking mouth to put him in his place. At least, that's how it all goes down in my head. Hammett's guitar solos are back. The crummy yet lovable production values of "…And Justice For All" are back. Hetfield's angry bark is back. This album isn't as good as the band's first four albums, and a couple of tracks suck (the lead single and "The Unforgiven III," which is the heavy metal sequel equivalent of Rambo III). But at least the band fucking sounds like Metallica again, and that's all I've really ever wanted from these assholes for the past two decades. Between this album and reading "Watch You Bleed: The Saga Of Guns ‘N' Roses", I feel like I'm 12 years old all over again. Time to go stick my dick under the tub faucet! Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Tender Lover" by Babyface. ‘Cause you got that whip appeal, so work it on me. When I was 16 or so, I had a whole raft of tapes that I considered "seduction tapes," tapes I would throw on in the monumental event that a girl might actually come to my room (Spoiler alert: never happened). So I would put on a tape, such as this one, and imagine just such a seduction playing out in my head. Did I stand in front of a mirror and smooth talk imaginary women? Maybe even throw my reflection a sly giggle? /takes giant swing of whisky Yes. Yes, I can admit that now. Ralph Tresvant was also useful for this sort of thing. Ladies, if you want to be treated right, see Father MC. Or check Ralph Tresvant, for Sensitivity. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Ryan Grant. I do not own Ryan Grant, but I know there are few things worse than owning a player, seeing his team scored 48 fucking points that week, checking the stat sheet, assuming he had a great outing, and then seeing he was the ONE fucking player on the offense who did nothing. That was Laurence Maroney all of last year. Last week, it was Grant. Oh, and he's hurt this week. Fucking Ryan fucking Grant, you fucking bag of South Bend taint drippings. Eat a cum sandwich, you bastard. Five Potential Key Injuries -LaDainian Tomlinson (toe) -Joey Porter (manic retardation) -Santana Moss (Never Puts Together Two Fucking Good Games In Row Disease) -Matt Schaub (pancreatic ballooning) -Terrell Owens (flesh-eating chlamydia) Boston Fans React To Last Week's Jamboroo
Image via Birdsmack Middle Finger Solutions. Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of Giants was correct, which makes me 1-1 for the year. Off the board now are the Giants and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Buffalo, and actually acting out bunny suicides. Who says Asian kids are smart? Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Giants giving 11 1/2 points at home against the Bengals. Did you know sharks never sleep? That's because we know the Jews will take our money if we do." Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. This week's chopping block: Lane Kiffin Scott Linehan Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Mike Nolan Brad Childress Herm Edwards Romeo Crennel Gametime Snack Of The Week
Fruit Roll Ups! I swear there isn't a stranger processed fruit snack on the planet than Fruit Roll Ups. "Hey, kids like fruit! And kids like paper! Let's make fruit paper!" Oooh, look at all the ways I can play with it! I can ROLL it, like the Dead Fruit Scrolls! I can FOLD it! Neat! The allure of Fruit Roll Ups is baffling. They're 95% fucking wax, for shit's sake. You could wrap a block of Danish cheese in one for a decade and it would stay fresh. I actually used to take every Fruit Roll Up out of the box, separate them from the cellophane, fold them up, and then stuff all of them in my mouth at once. Yes, I was an overweight child. Why do you ask? I also liked to wrap the Fruit Roll Up around my finger, and then suck on it. And man, that sure is gay now that I think about it. Gametime Beer Of The Week
Chimay! Delicious, luscious, oh so wonderful Chimay. Drinking a bottle of you is like being hugged by a very friendly, loving panda bear. There could be a nuclear holocaust outside my window and your rich flavor would still put me at ease. One time, I drank Chimay and smoked pot with former Dallas Cowboy linebacker Jeff Rohrer. It's the coolest thing I ever did, and I'll never come close to doing anything that cool ever, ever, ever again. Not every former NFL linebacker smokes weed, but it's a whole lot fucking cooler when they do. Kenley Collins Is An Arrogant Sack Of Shit
My wife watches "Project Runway," which means that I also watch "Project Runway". And, to be honest, I quite enjoy it. I like the fact that the contestants have to do actual work. I also like the fact that Heidi Klum is almost unbearably hot. But I do NOT like the show whenever this ARROGANT WHOREBRAT graces the screen. Holy shit, this bitch needs to go down. You know those girls who always laugh, especially as a way of covering up passive aggressive comments? Well, this filthy strumpet does it all the fucking time. Eat shit, Kenley. You are insufferably overconfident, you're too stupid to take constructive criticism, and your designs rely on nothing but tired vintage fabrics! I hope you get pricked with a herpes-infected sewing needle. Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans
Screwball Hotel. People badmouth 80's fashions all the time, but I've been waiting 20 years now for a spandex miniskirt revival. There's just something magical about a synthetic tube barely covering a woman's ass, and the folks who made 80's soft core porn comedy "Screwball Hotel" should be applauded for capturing it in such exquisite detail. This movie also introduces us to a great, underrated uniform fetish: the buxom female bellhop. Memo to the folks at the Omni in Richmond: THAT is how you fucking do hospitality, people. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!" Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Dorota Doda Rabczewska. (gallery has some thong shots and may be NSFW) If you say Dorota's name three times quickly, you end up swallowing your own tongue. Dorota is from Poland. I'd like to put my kotlet schabowy into HER drozdzowka, if you know what I mean! -For the gals: Actor Chris Evans. Is that an Atlanta Braves tattoo? What a douche.. Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "YOU LYING WHORE! YOU USED ME! YOU NEVER LOVED ME! I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD! DIE! DIE! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK!!!!" -Kinison Enjoy the games, everyone. Photoshops courtesy of 289.