Apropos of nothing, can I unsubscribe to Taylor Swift? Is that possible? I'd really like it to be possible.
I don't quite know how I ended up with all this Taylor Swift in my life. FACT: Eighty-five percent of all advertisements and magazine covers are now mandated by law to feature Taylor Swift, or at least some portion of her hair crimping. Anytime there's an award show or special live presentation or a Kia dealership grand opening, you can pretty much count on Swift showing up with her guitar and undermining the days and days of effort that Autotune put into creating one of her albums. Fuck, even Collinsworth spent last week's Sunday Night game gushing about her. I can't get away from this bitch. I even know she dates Jake Gyllenhaal. AND OMG BEEFY NECK GUY FROM TWILIGHT TOTALLY BROKE HER HEART!
I don't understand all the fuss. Taylor Swift makes training bra music. Her shit is one step removed from a Fisher Price Little People CD. Every record she sells should come with a complimentary pack of Spree. If you're over fourteen, you shouldn't want anything to do with it. But no, every fucking adult music critic on Earth fawns over this girl and protects her like she's some kind of goddamn forest pixie. SHE'S SO MATURE FOR AGE! SHE HANDLED THAT KANYE SITUATION SO WELL! SHE'S SO ARTICULATE! No, seriously. Someone wrote that.
Swift's thoughtful honesty and surprisingly articulate take on life should be commended.
What is this, a fucking report card? HOORAY! SHE'S ALMOST 21 AND HAS THE ABILITY TO SPEAK! And since when is this chick honest? Have you heard some of these lyrics?
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time
First of all, is there anything honest about that? This woman is a fucking ROCK STAR and a millionaire. She's, like, ninety stages above the cheer captain. Cheer captains are fucking special ed students compared to her. And she never wears fucking t-shirts. She wears $10,000 Halston gowns and all kinds of other sparkly shit. Some producer in Nashville probably made her write this so that fat Jenny in the seventh grade out there would have music that "speaks to her". And there's nothing mature about this shit. It's the soundtrack to a trip to Spencer Gifts. Anyone could write that. I could write that.
It's late at night and he's sendin' you a text
But you just bought your first box of Kotex
He doesn't know you're a bloody mess
But if he saw your crotch, he could probably guess…
It's not that hard, okay? This fucking Kanye thing has made everyone treat Swift like she's some precious doll they bought at the Franklin Mint. Meanwhile, Justin Bieber and his fans get made fun of (rightfully so) by fucking EVERYONE. And Bieber actually IS a kid! He's not even voting age, the way this woman is. But somehow you're an asshole if you hate Taylor Swift? That's bullshit. BULLSHIT. Just because she's the official spank bank material for every white asshole on the Texas Rangers roster doesn't mean I have to give a crap.
People, I am here to grant you permission to hate Taylor Swift at will. You can go right ahead and laugh at her horrible singing and hope she ends up blowing local Tennessee DJs in lieu of record company payola handouts. Go ahead. Don't feel bad. She's a big girl. She can handle it. She'll probably even be able to make a really shitty album out of it.