What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Happy new year, one and all. This year, resolve to take better care of your dick and balls; last year you did a really bad job of it.

Last week we examined what Americans got stuck up their butts; now it’s on to the opposite of the butt, the penis. All patient descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

DROPPED COMPUTER TABLET WHILE TRYING TO GET OFF TOILET; PENIS LACERATION

TRIED TO MAKE A MOLD OF PENIS AND TESTICLES WITH PUTTY WHICH IS NOW STUCK ON SKIN

WAS SLIDING DOWN A FLAG POLE FROM THE ROOF OF HIS HOUSE CUTTING PENIS

TESTICULAR PAIN AND SWELLING AFTER WEARING A BUNGEE CORDAS A BELT

PLAYING BASEBALL WHEN ACCIDENTALLY STRUCK OWN TESTICLES SWINGING A BAT

PLAYING BASEBALL SLID INTO BASE WHEN STRIKING HIS TESTICLES ON BASE

TIED OFF HIS TESTICLE AND PENIS WITH STRING TO KEEP HIS HARDON DURING SEX

SHAVED PENIS AND TESTICLES LAST NIGHT. APPLIED DISH SOAP TO AREA AFTERWARD. NOW WITH DIFFUSE RASH

SPRAY PAINTING GOT PAINT ON FORESKIN OF PENIS CAUSING PAIN

WAS TAKING A SHOWER AND USING A ROUGH BRUSH TO CLEAN HIS GENITALIA; CUTS TO PENIS

FELL AND KEYS IN POCKET LACERATED GENITALS

WAS DRIVING WHILE HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE PASSED OUT SPILLED HIS CUP OF COFFEE SCALD BURNS TO PENIS

LACERATION OF TESTICLE AFTER HITTING HIMSELF IN THE TESTICLES WITH A TIRE IRON WHILE ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE A TIRE

PENIS CAUGHT IN METAL SPRING MATTRESS

RIDING MOUNTAIN BIKE HIT A BRICK SUSTAINING STRADDLE INJURY FROM SEAT THEN FALLING DOWN HILL

SOMEONE STEPPED ON A RAKE AND ITS HANDLE STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLES

SPILLED BOILING HOT PEAS ON PENIS

PLAYING VIDEO GAME AND TWISTED AND INJURED TESTICLE

TESTICLE PAIN AFTER SITTING & PLAYING VIDEO GAMES FOR EXTENDED TIME

PATIENTS STATES TOP OF 2 LITER COKE BOTTLE PLACED AROUND PENIS WHILE SLEEPING, PATIENT HAD BEEN DRINKING, UNABLE TO REMOVE

SUSTAINED LACERATION TO PENIS WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO CUT OFF A METAL COCK RING

SWELLING TO PENIS AFTER USING PENIS PUMP

WAS AT A HOUSE RIDING A SCOOTER NAKED WHEN HE FELL FORWARD GETTING SCROTUM CAUGHT ON SCOOTER

SLIPPED IN RAIN OUTSIDE, RAN INTO WALL WITH INJURY TO GLANS OF PENIS; HAD ERECTION PRIOR TO TRAUMA

WAS AT A FRATERNITY PARTY DRINKING ALCOHOL SAT ON A GLASS WHICH BROKE CUTTING RIGHT SCROTUM

RASH TO HIS PENIS & IRRITATION WHEN PATIENT PUTS HIS UNDERWEAR ON

SCROTAL PAIN SINCE WAS HIT WITH A WATER BALLOON YESTERDAY AT THE PARK

STANDING ON RADIATOR AND SLIPPED OFF AND CAUGHT PENIS ON VALVE

IN BED WHEN ROLLED OVER ON TOOTHPICK; LACERATION PENIS

PLAYING ON SOFA WITH COUSIN AND COUSIN BIT PATIENT IN SCROTUM

LOCKED SELF OUT OF THE HOUSE SO HE CLIMBED THROUGH A SMALL WINDOW; CAUGHT HIS TESTICLES

HALLUCINATING THERE ARE SNAKES IN SCROTUM SO HE RUBBER BANDED HIS TESTICLES SO THEY DON’T ESCAPE; METH ABUSE

WAS BREAK DANCING ON FLOOR WHEN BELT BUCKLE CUT HIS PENIS

RIDING SKATEBOARD EARLIER TODAY TO SHOW NEPHEW TECHNIQUE, LANDED ON SKATEBOARD WHEN IT WAS VERTICAL; PAIN TESTICLES

WAS WORKING ON HIS CAR WHEN THE HOOD OF THE CAR SLAMMED DOWN ON HIS PENIS AND RIPPED OUT HIS PIERCING

WAS SHOOTING FIRECRACKER & IT CAME BACK HITTING LEFT SHAFT OF PENIS

GROIN PAIN AFTER LEG WENT THROUGH FLOOR OF TRAILER HOUSE

WAS WALKING WITH A GOLF CLUB, CLUB GOT STUCK ON SIDEWALK HITTING PATIENT IN TESTICLES

WAS KICKED IN SCROTUM WHILE TRAINING IN BOXING

BITTEN ON PENIS BY BLACK FIRE ANT

CUT PENIS ON CAN OPENER

HIT IN GROIN WITH PAINT BALL SHOT FROM 15 FT AWAY; CONTUSION PENIS

WAS SITTING ON A COUCH WHEN FRIEND’S DOG (SMALL TERRIER MIX) CAME UP AND BIT HIS PENIS

PLAYING TUG-OF-WAR W/ DOG AND THE BALL ON ROPE HIT RIGHT TESTICLE

TESTICLE PAIN X 1 WEEK, WORSE AFTER HE GOES SKATEBOARDING OR WHEN HIS DOG STEPPED ON HIS TESTICLES

WHILE PERFORMING AT CLUB, SOMEONE REACHED UP AND PULLED ON ONE OF HIS PENIS RINGS, TEARING SKIN

HAD BEEN CHOPPING HOT PEPPERS. WENT TO RESTROOM AND TOUCHED HIS PENIS. USED BLEACH TO TRY TO CLEAN PENIS

SMASHED PENIS IN BETWEEN TWO WHEELBARROWS

FELL OFF TOILET, FELL ONTO A MOUSE TRAP, TRAP CLOSED ON PENIS