Rejected Commenter Theater, Episode Two

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, another installment of Rejected Commenter Theatre, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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In the three months since I last brought you a hilarious look at the wacky things stupid people say, I've noticed absolutely no change in the quality of comments submitted by pending Deadspin commenters. Thank heavens, because where else would I get fodder for another episode of erstwhile Deadspin Up! All Night feature Rejected Commenter Theater? Some of you have been funny, though. Heck, I added commenter MattinglysSideburns based solely on this tiny bit of humor. Still, there have been a bunch of stinkers and I want my opportunity to humiliate some of you folks who didn't make the cut. Here we go!

Remember last month when Sussman blogged about that wacky chess team scandal? Me neither, I was in Boston that weekend. Rejected commenter ssslipattrip, however, pounced on the opportunity to defend the sanctity of chess. Or something:

Have a drink on me,litterally!The bluured NERD concept is astounding.If not in the essence of chess ethics themselves,but in mans inability to accept negative outcomes in competition.The challenged percentage of those of us who have,lets say,"GROWN-UP"learned and know one of lifes unsolved mysteries, for some,a trait since the beginning of time.RESPECT,WALK,included in this,"the acceptance of just merely having the opportunity to participate at higher levels by selective invitation only. Is this practiced at our top-noth Chess for idots club? Being able to accept defeat,"a select few will do anything for victory even in our houses of the HOLY." Seperate church from State,Learn the simple concept winng is not what makes individuals great.How human beings carry themselves both on the playing boaed and/or off the playing board determines the true champion.Not his/or her's win lose ratio."Thats the easy part of being a winner,conducting ones self by the rules of pure ethics,and standards,illusively seperates great ones from champions." Whatever happend to a losed list of simple life commandments?"Thou shall not lie,cheat,steal," not even on the CHESS board Father.Have a wonderful suspention and next time pay attention,"Practice what YOU preach"!!!!!!!!TO WIN IS NOT TO SIN,AMEN!

Huh? Where's that drink you promised me, ssslipattrip?

Join me in the Deadspin Time Machine and buckle up while I dial in December 2005 for this post about Chesnning's romantic-and-totally-not-gay duet. Yes, once upon a time Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney wrote a terrible country song and Will blogged about it. Check out the comment by Sean in SF and then read these doozies by rejected commenter Pteri (dated January 15, 2008):

You people are so freakin' sad. He isn't gay for goodness sake. It is a SONG period and a good song I might add. I love it. They are singing to a girl...not each other you dimwhacks!!!! I swear...gay guys...you are just gonna have to suffer...Peyton is straight...married and fine!!! So your fantasies will just have to stay fantasies and his wife is saying "Tough cookies baby...he is MINE!!!"

Pteri immediately follows up with:

Oh and btw...I just checked the soundtrack of Brokeback Mountain...this song isn't there. So case closed on that. Who thinks up these lies anyway?

Pteri, the joke comment by Sean in SF may have been hack but it was still a joke. Sigh.

Finally, my favorite kind of rejected comment is the kind where it seems the commenter is just on the wrong website. Here, rejected commenter hey_world lets us know his/her opinion of O.J. Mayo:

omg wy does everybody seem to hate him. he a really good guy not to mention he extemely talented. It doesnt even matter who is better then him on the team he always going to b looked at!!!!!!!!!! SORRY GUYS HE A STAR.. O AN HE SEXY

Note: the post was from March 2007 and the comment was from December 2007. Better late than never? No. Better never would have worked fine in this case.

These commenters, however, were right on time with their bons mots that made them Commenters of the Fortnight:

Re: Peter Gammons rocking out
Jefferson Short Bus: Look, it's the guitarist for the Strokes!

Re: Chris Mortenson's Katrina moment
Matt_T: Emmitt would like to otter his coincidences to Mort

Re: The D.A. that Pac-Man Jones allegedly slapped
Gourmet Spud: She's going to make it arraign.