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Dec 1, 2009 04:35 PM
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The Florida Highway Patrol has ended their investigation of the Thanksgiving Night mishap that Changed America Forever. No criminal charges will be filed. Just a small fine and a very big marital mess. So what do we know now?
The police have decided that Tiger Woods wasn't drunk and wasn't hopped up on pain pills when he slammed his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree in front of his home, but he did crash his car on a city street and that's a no-no. They're giving him a ticket for careless driving, which carries a fine of $164 (payable in ball markers) and four points on his license.
However, since neither Mr. or Mrs. Woods is filing a domestic violence charge and there isn't enough evidence to pursue an assault investigation without a complaining witness, the authorities consider the matter closed. Legally, he's out of the woods. So to speak.
However, the court of public opinion will not be adjourning anytime soon. The National Enquirer may or may not have been barking up the wrong tree when they first tabbed Rachel Uchitel as Eldrick's mistress, but there appear to be plenty of other candidates willing to fess up to doing the dirty deed.
Woods tried to protect his wife by making her out to be a hero, but the jig is up. His private life, fiercely protected for most his adult life, is now open for business. And it looks like business will be good.
What remains to be seen is how many women will come out of the woodwork, how long Elin Nordegren will stand by her man, and how quickly Tiger can rehabilitate his image with the kind of people who buy Prudential Life Insurance and $500 drivers. Perhaps the Chinese have a simulation for that?
Deadspin's Tiger Woods Coverage
Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.
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