Who knows what terrible sin humanity committed against the Alaska Nanook, but that bear is irate. Okay, maybe we shouldn't have frozen him in the Arctic, but is that any excuse to destroy Planet Earth with a kick-ass '80s soundtrack?

When last we left Angry Interplanetary Ice Bear he was dropping the bomb (literally) on Anchorage and smashing up the solar system, but oh man, was that not enough to appease this tyrant. This time, after being awoken from his frozen slumber by a Russian ice breaker—which frankly, would piss anyone off; I am not a morning person either—Nanook turns into Voltron, smashes the boat, then calls up Iceman and Hollywood for a nuclear sortie over East Lansing (harsh), Columbus (unnecessary), South Bend (understandable) and, for some reason, a volcano.

Oh, then he destroys the entire planet, except for the Carlson Center in Fairbanks, where any survivors of this global bearpocalypse will be forced to do battle in icy bloodsport before the winner is (presumably) eaten by a polar bear.

We are so fucking doomed.

HOCKEYBEAR IS BACK [Black Heart Gold Pants]