To commemorate the emergence of Arielle Whatsherface, the new hot, young teenager that collapsed the internet with her winsome good looks, the Cultural Oddsmaker column makes a brief return.
Every several years, there's a new woman, seemingly hand-carved by God, who becomes the new online Lolita. One year it was Jenn Sterger; the next it was Cal pole vaulter Allison Stokke, frazzling the libidos of usually even-keeled men. This week, it's Longhorn Girl. The heart-melter with the Texas-sized chest became the diesel fuel for many masturbation sessions, thanks to her primo seats and snug t-shirt. One reader commented that Longhorn Girl has that Infinite Jest-like red-haired beauty: It's deforming.
And the downside to this insta-fame is that it's fleeting. But if it's harnessed properly, it could be parlayed into a shoot for Perfect 10 magazine or, at worst, an SI.com column. And Longhorn Girl should capitalize on this immediately because, as we all know, there's always a newer, hotter, sex-oozing vixen just a screengrab away.
So, today, I'm blowing on my wolf whistle, hiding my erection with an overcoat, and placing odds on the next college cuties destined to shut down the internet real soon.
Let's go ogle these nubile young college girls with reckless abandon and a willful disregard for decency. Again.
"Husker Girl": 3/1
Her name is Sally Everson, a Scottsbluff, Neb., native, whose soulful brown eyes and Midwestern moxie can render any man powerless with one furtive glance. (That cornfed booty don't hurt either!) Everson's known around the Lincoln campus for her revealing outfits and her long tresses, which she teasingly keeps covered up in her Huskers baseball cap. It's been rumored that, during last year's Oklahoma-Nebraska game, she sashayed into Memorial Stadium, took off her hat, and started to eat her hair. This show-stopping flirtation caught the attention of Oklahoma quarterback Landry Jones, and the young freshman was so bewildered by Everson, he lost focus throughout the entire game. Join the club, Landry.
"Cowgirl Candy": 4/1
The state of Oklahoma has its own burgeoning wank-off sensation in Candy Coxenmiller, a dark-haired wild child who likes to seductively kick her feet while riding in a shopping cart and scream at the top of her lungs anytime she sees a firetruck. Don't let the devil-may-care attitude and her ubiquitous OSU half-shirt fool you, though, because this girl's got some major brainpower to go with that rockin' bod: She can count to 50 — in Spanish. Boing!
"Wolverine Wilma": 2/1
Wilma Venshiletz was conceived in Reykjavik, Iceland, but her family moved to Dearborn, Mich., right after she was born. After the move, Wilma began to develop that comely shape and those squishy cheeks that keep Ann Arbor's male population shamelessly engorged. Anytime our girl Wilma gets trotted into The Big House in a Baby Bjorn, you'll see the iPhones pop up like prairie dogs during an earthquake. She's become a campus phenomenon and, thanks to the thousands of frat boys who worship her, a profitable one for apparel companies.
"Boilermaker Bonnie": 2/1
The biggest drawback to Purdue's tuba-playing hottie is that Bonnie may, in fact, be a boy. But check out those chubby knees and tell me you don't want to just eat them up? OK, you should really wipe that drool off your desk now before your boss walks by.
"Tiger Tara": 1/2
With her wispy hair, darkly mysterious features and That Pout, Mizzou's Tara Nikki Lacey Copatanni is the Big 12's little princess. Two years ago, she crawled into the Freudian subconscious of Tiger fans when she was caught canoodling with quarterback Chase Daniels at the Campus Bar and Grill. Even though Chase was at the height of his BMOC-ness, onlookers eyed the olive-skinned beauty with the oddly shaped head and wondered, Just who is that girl on Chase's lap? And did she just spit-up on his neck? Scandalous! But Chase moved onto New Orleans and now Tara's become more popular than he ever was thanks to that fateful public hook-up. Your loss, Chase!