Dead Letters: Maurkice Pouncey Stole My Buddy's Trashcan (Plus: Lots And Lots Of Hate Mail!)

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: So, my bud is neighbors with Maurkice Pouncey and his trashcan went missing yesterday

From: [Redacted]
To: The Staff

He found it today in Maurkice's garage, next to the S550 Benz on some nice rims. He got it back, so yeah win one for the little guys.

Heh if you would maybe omit my name if this even makes your radar. God knows what kind of athlete dong and other sordid news you receive on a daily basis.

Lord knows you've seen more athlete dong than Kim Kardashian.

Thanks for keeping the site consistently high quality, it's really made my work days so much better for years.

Subject: Sean Newell is a fucking joke!

From: mikepants34
To: The Staff

1st off Gomes hit the HR in the 12th. He made a game saving catch in the 10th. Nice EAST COAST baseball reporting. You fuckin asslickers.

Subject: Reason #2 Sean Newell is a fucking joke

From: mikepants34
To: The Staff

The A's were picked to lose 100 games and be the worst team in baseball. At 14-14 theyre sitting in the NEW 5th playoff spot. They just beat the best team in mlb. Its called having a chip on your shoulder. Typical New York clueless sports reporting.

Subject: Photo evidence Sean Newell is a fucking joke!

From: mikepants34
To: The Staff

Dead Letters: Maurkice Pouncey Stole My Buddy's Trashcan (Plus: Lots And Lots Of Hate Mail!)

Subject: Even though Sean Newell wrote a terrible article that I complained about please dont fire him.

From: mikepants34
To: The Staff

[No text.]

[Ed. note: the last email came after the publication of this editor's note.]

Subject: do a sit up

From: Johann Gerlach
To: Sean Newell

hey stupid shit....

learn a few things about jonny gomes you fucking meathead...

his old high school has a storage facility with ALL their baseball gear in it. It burned down to the ground in an arson fire. Who came to the rescue spending over $250K for replacement gear for all 3 levels of the high school teams? Yeah, your "douchebag" Gomes. So, time passes the new storage container is freaking robbed! Again, all gear taken. Again, to the rescue, who? Your "douchebag" Jonny Gomes. So I ask you, have you fucking donated to anyfucking thing in your sorry fucking life? No?! You haven't? Awesome.

Guy survived a heart attack at 22.

Grew up with a Mother who worked multiple jobs to provide shelter and food for he and his brothers. Yep, no Father-figure around. So in you, pathetic ignorant writing, take a step next time that's kinda crucial for writers like you who in 3 yrs likely won't be working for blog X, do some fucking research before you label exceptional guys, douchebags. Forever, I will never read another article from you. Do a push up today. Make yourself useful.

Johann

Gomes has done more in his life, philanthropically than you will and even have to this point. The old adage about when you assume about another person........

Subject: Cheapshot artist

From: James King
To: Tommy Craggs

Hey coward:

So you can't stand being called a useful idiot? Your former boss Will Leitch appeared on a Murdoch show called Redeye, where a loser writer like you would be exposed as a humorless nothing. While Mushnick's column was repugnant, your gratuitous attack on Murdoch/Fox just makes you look small. What the hell is Deadspin after Leitch left? You're soooo original as a journalist. Your liberal professors must be proud!

Forward!

James King
Carmel Valley, CA

Subject: What do you actually do?

From: Ronald Merrsen
To: Tom Scocca

Dear Mr. Scocca,

You are a really whiny bitch. What do you actually do at Deadspin? All your posts just seem to be you complaining about something in an unfunny, uninteresting manner. At least when Drew Magary has a rant, its actually entertaining. You, on the other hand, just come of as a pretentious prick that whines about shit it all the time.

Sincerely,

Ronald M.

From: Tom Scocca
To: Ronald Merrsen

Thanks for reading!

From: Ronald Merrsen
To: Tom Scocca

You're welcome! Keep up the crappy work. I'm sure there's someone out there who absolutely loves whatever it is that you do.

[Ed. note: the last message was sent immediately after the Knicks grabbed their only playoff win.]

Subject: Sarah Phillips

From: Matt Jurick
To: John Koblin

Hi Josh,

My name is Matt and I've been reading Deadspin for 5 years and have no affiliation with Sarah. I'm trying to figure out why you guys want to make this such a big story. She has not even been charged with a crime. It is basically 5 stories made up from all of your "sources" none of whom are named.

I'm all for digging up some dirt but besides trying to ruin her life/put a hot girls picture on your front page, why this is getting shoved in my face when you haven't proven anything?

Nothing has come across so much as "ex-girlfriend you dumped me now I'm going to ruin your life with my blog" on Deadspin before.

Thanks,
Matt

Subject: RE: Everything You Need To Know About Sarah Phillips, Former ESPN Columnist And Social-Media Scammer

From: John Michael O'Keefe
To: John Koblin

You forgot the most important question: Who Gives a Fuck?

Not enough athlete dong to warrant this many posts

Subject: Vikings New stadium passing in Minnesota Senate and House

From: Gar
To: Patrick Burns

Your small article is highly inappropriate. You should be ashamed for your heading below:

Minnesota Legislature Votes To Hand Over $800 Million So Shitty Football Team Can Build Shitty New Stadium

Acts 4:12:
And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved."

1 Corinthians 2:9
"but just as it is written,
'THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD,
AND which HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN,
ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.'"

Acts 26:18
"to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me."

Acts 26:23 When they had set a day for Paul, they came to him at his lodging in large numbers; and he was explaining to them by solemnly testifying about the kingdom of God and trying to persuade them concerning Jesus, from both the Law of Moses and from the Prophets, from morning until evening. 24 Some were being persuaded by the things spoken, but others would not believe. 25 And when they did not agree with one another, they began leaving after Paul had spoken one parting word, "The Holy Spirit rightly spoke through Isaiah the prophet to your fathers, 26 saying,

‘GO TO THIS PEOPLE AND SAY,
"YOU WILL KEEP ON HEARING,BUT WILL NOT UNDERSTAND;
AND YOU WILL KEEP ON SEEING, BUT WILL NOT PERCEIVE;
27 FOR THE HEART OF THIS PEOPLE HAS BECOME DULL,
AND WITH THEIR EARS THEY SCARCELY HEAR,
AND THEY HAVE CLOSED THEIR EYES;
OTHERWISE THEY MIGHT SEE WITH THEIR EYES,
AND HEAR WITH THEIR EARS,
AND UNDERSTAND WITH THEIR HEART AND RETURN,
AND I WOULD HEAL THEM."'

Subject: RE: A Special Graduation Message To The Class Of 2012 [Balls Deep] by Drew Magary

From: Mike Lenehan
To: The Staff

Please make Drew go write shitty books full-time.

Subject: Flipboard article

From: Greg Sisk
To: Drew Magary

Why do you use God's name in vain?

Greg Sisk

Sent from my iPad

Subject: Our Lady of the Sorrows

From: Erin Cronk
To: Tim Burke

Dear Mr. Burke,

I was just curious why you haven't corrected the Our Lady of the Sorrows post that states the school forfeited the championship because they didn't want to play against a black player, if the reason they forfeited was because the opposing team had a female.

Thank you,

Erin

Subject: baseball team forfeit

From: corrie anders
To: Tim Burke

Tim,

A Google search shows all other news stories describe the player as female. Your corrected version say the player is black. Which is it??????

Corrie

Subject: gas and oil burner

From: Stephan Zhou
To: The Staff

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Subject: Phillies/Nats rivalry conspiracy theory

From: Tom Pellish
To: Jack Dickey

Hey Jack,
Want to hear a conspiracy theory? All through the offseason the Nationals GM Mike Rizzo started this plan to prevent Phillies' fans from overtaking their ballpark by not letting anyone from PA buy any tickets. Seems like somebody was trying to spark a little rivalry. So last night Cole Hamels beans Bryce Harper and after the game brags about it. Has anyone ever seen that happen ever? No one ever admits to purposely hitting another player.
So here is the conspiracy theory. The Nationals have no real rival within their own division. Phillies' fans have flocked to Washington since they opened their new stadium so who better to start the rivalry with? The Nationals have had poor attendance since opening their new stadium and haven't really made strides in their new market. So what's good for business? Having Nat's GM Rizzo, the MLB, and Hamels conspire to peg Harper and then brag about it fueling the media and gaining national attention to create a bitter rivalry that didn't really exist. Also Werth saying that he is going to see to it that Philly fans will never see another parade is just icing on the cake. This theory probably isn't true, but the whole thing seemed fishy to me.

Thanks,
Tom Pellish

Subject: Albert Pujlos

From: MTS
To: The Staff

Dear DeadSpin,
I read your blog/website every fews day when a sports worthy news story come about. My question is, do you think the reason Albert Pujlos is hitting a .194 with zero homeruns is because a) He is with a new ballclub ,in a new league against new pitchers ,ballparks, extra PR etc. b) He is actually older than he says he is (due to him lying as many players of Latin decent have been found to do to make it into pro ball) and his skills are just dewindling down since 2008 and have really caught up to him now c) He is no longer taking any PEDs( He is noticeably slimmer and smaller than he was while in St Louis) and without PEDs he will never be the fierce hitter he once was d) He is just in a funk and will come out of it and make LA very happy over the next decade. Personally, I hope he continues to stink up the joint but was curious if you had reported on this or in the future you would be reporting on this.
Thanks from Tampa GO Rays(Please move the team to Tampa)
MTS

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[Ed. note: Brandon McCarthy and Jonny Gomes are teammates in Oakland.]