Here's a surprise: Craven Dan Snyder hand-puppet Chris Cooley took a break from manning the office of Exalted White Ex-Player at D.C.'s Snyder-owned ESPN radio affiliate to go in, for the umpteenth time, on former teammate Robert Griffin III, to Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post yesterday.

As he did during his now-infamous savaging of Griffin's ability as an NFL passer—an assessment notable for how it stands in direct contrast to Griffin's proven abilities in that department—Cooley was careful to remind everyone that he likes Griffin, lending a bogus sheen of objectivity to what are ultimately and undeniably subjective (if not laughably biased) criticisms. Yes, I'm going to tell everyone in the world how much I think this guy is a piece of shit loser, but, rest assured, we are actually BFFs.

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Addressing Washington's offseason needs after another throwaway season, Cooley issued a lot of glaringly non-specific criticisms of Griffin's position in the organization as part of an argument that the team must cut ties with the quarterback right away (emphasis mine):

"He does not positively influence your organization in any way shape or form," the ESPN 980 host and Redskins Radio Network analyst said. "Develop him or not, he is constantly a negative impact on everything surrounding the Washington Redskins. He's a polarizing figure to your fan base and to what your team is, and that is not the way to build — with drama — an organization from the bottom up.

"Sorry," Cooley then said. "I like him. But he's a symbol of what's wrong right now with this team, or what potentially will be wrong in the future, what our owner does and doesn't do. And the owner's not leaving, and I don't think the coach should leave, and that symbol will remain. And it will remain polarizing [after] any loss in the future if he's here..."

"There are not a lot of great polarizing quarterbacks," Cooley said. "And I'm not blaming him."

Think, first of all, of the cowardice of assigning someone a role of all-encompassing and unambiguous negativity—"he is constantly a negative impact on everything surrounding the Washington Redskins"—and then hoping to distance yourself from the impact of those words with half-baked platitudes like "I like him" and "I'm not blaming him." Oh?

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But is Cooley right? God knows the organization for which he works is dysfunctional beyond belief, and there's certainly plenty of polarization about the team among not just Washington fans but NFL fans and football fans and, really, people everywhere. Maybe he's right—maybe the organization needs to sever ties permanently with the very thing that has made them at best a laughingstock and at worst the single most contemptible sports franchise in the world.

It's time for a change! It's high time this once-proud flagship franchise disassociate itself once and for all from the symbol, the emblem of all that's negative, distracting, polarizing, and divisive about their past and present! A bold step back into the light of respectability is what's called for, and by God, Chris Cooley has hit the nail on the head: the first and most pressing part of this process must be a clean public break from the dare-I-say antagonistic public face of the organization, once and for all! Once this cause for shame and embarrassment is gone forever, the team can get back to the business of building a winning football operation, free from all the noise and controversy that has come to define their recent past.

And what could that symbol be, other than a third-year quarterback who led the team to the playoffs in his rookie season and showed all the promise in the world before devastating leg injuries derailed his career? Casting about amid the dysfunction and negativity of the organization, what better symbol could there possibly be of a past and present defined by distractions and self-sabotage?

I, for one, can think of no better symb–

Oh.

Photo via Getty