Dick Questions For Coach Bob Huggins, Press *1 On Your Telephone Please

You Know, This Hornets Team Might Be Pretty Good

The NBA Closer is written by me, J.E. Skeets, high leader of The Moose. When I'm not busy scouring the box scores or part-time modeling, I can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast talkin' shit and spittin' rhymes. Enjoy!

• R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Make it eight straight for the yellow N.O. David West scored 32 points and Peja Stojakovic added 22 points to lead the Western Conference-leading Hornets over the defending champ Spurs 102-78. "The whole thing about this team is 'Oh, can they beat the big teams?"' Hornets center Tyson Chandler said. "We've shown we can beat all of these teams and we deserve some respect." /fixes imaginary tie. "I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth," he added.

Fake Tats Are An Excellent Recruiting Tool

You Can't Stop Garnett, You Can Only Hope A Sniper's Shot Slows Him Down

The NBA Closer is written by me, J.E. Skeets, high leader of Canada. When I'm not busy scouring the box scores or part-time modeling, I can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast with some Greek. Enjoy!

• Revenge. In the first regular-season game between Kevin Garnett and the bouquet of former Celtics traded for him, Boston struggled to put away Minnesota, 87-86. Kendrick Perkins finished with 21 points, including a go-ahead put-back with 16.6 seconds left, and Garnett added 10 points and 16 boards despite leaving the game for 4 minutes with an abdominal strain. "It felt like I got sniped from the rafters or something, you know," KG said. "I just had a sharp pain come from my stomach and I just wanted the doctors to look at it. They looked at it and said I was fine, so I came back out." Man, for someone who regularly hunts squirrels and shit, Kevin McHale is one bad shot.

Heat Keep On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping ...

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or hiding in suitcases, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• 15 Wrong! Stand up, AP sports writer Tim Reynolds. Stand. Up. Two years ago, the Miami Heat were dubbed "15 Strong" on their way to the NBA championship. These days, it's more like "15 Wrong" — and counting. Man, dude must pull mad pussy with lines like that. Well done. Tim Duncan scored 30 points and brought the Spurs back from a 10-point second-half deficit to beat the Heat 90-89. It was Miami's 15th straight loss, two shy of matching The Spin Doctor years.

I Am Jose, Hear Me Roar ... In Spanish

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or hawking merchandise, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Let The Roughriders Play The Patriots! The Raptors shooting percentages hit you like a fart that was trapped in a Soundgarden CD jewel case to the face: 58 percent from the floor; 71 percent from three-point land; 100 percent from the foul line. Add it all up and the Raps shot well over 225 percent to beat the Celtics 114-112 in Bahstan. Jose Calderon converted a go-ahead, three-point play with 10.5 seconds left and finished with 24 points and 13 pesetas. Chris Bosh added 23 points and Andrea Bargnani finally did good with 20 points, seven rebounds and seven assists.

Does Anyone Have The Heart To Tell This Guy That Nash Isn't American?

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or ordering some violent quiche, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Three-Pointers You Can Believe In. Steve Nash increased investments in infrastructure, energy independence and education in the first half; brought the troops home from Iraq in the third quarter; and scored 15 of his season-high 37 points in the fourth to lead the Suns past the Bucks 114-105. All in all, not a bad Tuesday. Grant Hill returned to the Suns' starting lineup, less than two weeks after undergoing an appendectomy. He had eight points in 27 minutes.

Buzzer Beatin' Bonanza

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or crop dusting, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Oh, The Drama Of It All. With 13 games on the schedule Monday, we were bound to see at least one or two buzzer beaters, right? That's just science. Travis Outlaw buried a last-second long-range jumper in OT to lift the Blazers to a 111-109 victory over the Hawks, while Rashard Lewis banked in a buzzer-beater to lead the Magic past the Pistons 102-100. Detroit is expected to file a formal protest to the league later today over whether Lewis did or did not call "glass."

Cavs Beat Spurs (Seven Months Too Late)

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or reading many leather-bound books, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Revenge Of The Nerds. In their first meeting since June's Nielsen ratings bonanza, LeBron James hit a jumper with less than a minute to go to give the Cavaliers a solid 90-88 victory over the Spurs in Texas. James tallied 27 points, 9 rebounds and 7 assists for Cleveland, who shot 46 percent from the field. Manu Ginobili, who missed an open jumper at the buzzer that would have forced overtime, led the Spurs with 31 points. Tim Duncan chipped in his usual 20, 11 and incessant whining for the defending champs.

Fire Up That Celtics Hype Machine Again

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or partying with Corey Worthington, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Where Creepy Merchandise Happens. First of all, I should probably point out that these two Celtics fans are indeed NOT paraplegic. Those are cup holders, folks. It took me a few hours to figure it out, too. Ray Allen scored a season-high 35 points and Kevin Garnett chipped in a cool 26 to help Beantown beat the visiting Blazers 100-90. The C's had lost three of their last four games and two straight at home. But they're back! Watch out, '96 Bulls! Brandon Roy led the Trailers with 22 points.

LeBron Puts Pedal To The Metal

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or eating cereal, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Zoom-Zoom. Last night, LeBron James abused Mike Miller like an open stretch of Ohioan highway. *Short snare drum roll with a cymbal crash* The King scored a season-high 51 points, including 25 in the fourth quarter and overtime, to lead the Cavaliers over the Grizzle 132-124. James made 18 of 28 shots and had nine assists and eight rebounds. (Take note, Kobe.) The 51 points matched the best scoring performance of the season.

Ask Jeeves, The Butler Did It

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or shuffling around in his revolutionary sleeping bag, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Caron Butler Hates The Irish. Always has, always will. Butler scored 21 points as the Wizards beat the Celtics 88-83 for their second victory over Boston in three days. Trailing by 14 halfway through the fourth, the Wiz mounted an improbable 19-4 run to take the lead with 40 seconds left on a gorgeous Butler lay in and-one. YOINK! Boston has now lost consecutive games at home for the first time all season and drops to 30-6. Yes, drops.

Shiny Happy Isiah Laughing

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or filing important documents, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• How Bizarre. (Sorry, Drew.) Area 51, that ghost in Three Men and a Baby, the New York Knickerbockers ... you know, some things are better left unexplained. Zach Randolph had 25 points and eight rebounds as the Knicks cruised — cruised! — to an 89-65 victory over the weary Pistons, who barely avoided the worst offensive performance in franchise history. "I just got off the shower, washed it off," Chauncey Billups said. "I washed it right off on that shower. Got to forget about that one. That was bad." Question: How does one get "off" the shower? What type of shower heads does Madison Square Garden have? Did Steve Francis install them?

Where Jackin' It Happens

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or wearing medallions, he can be heard— BANGING HIS GRANDMA IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK! Hi, I'm AJ Daulerio. The Balls. If you're wondering what's going on here, Skeets is off riding around with a vacuum salesman, leaving me in control of today's NBA Closer. Thanks for the extra $5, Denton!

So, this morning, I'm unlacing my Kevlar Air Force Ones, showering with my jorts on and placing odds on how much you'd rather of been "grouting the tile" instead of watching last night's games.

Let's go dribble some basketballs and body fluids after this hyper code.

Upset In Beantown

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or voting Benson '08, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• The Cat's Peow. Fact: Though the bobcat prefers rabbits and hares, it will hunt anything from insects and small rodents to deer and leprechauns in bowties. Jason Richardson scored 34 points and Gerald Wallace added 15 as the Bobcats stunned the Celtics 95-83 for just their fourth loss of the season. The defeat snapped a nine-game winning streak for Boston and spoiled its bid for the fastest start in team history to 30 wins. OK, your turn, Jaguars. Meow.