Use DZNUTS: Your Scrotum Will Thank You

Oh what the hell, let's just call it balls day on Deadspin. Introducing dznuts, developed for competitive cyclists "to reduce and relieve chaffing, irritation, and protect fragile perineal skin from bacterial and fungal infections." It's got masterwort, so you know it's good.

The nut cream was first invented for Tour de France competitor Dave Zabriske (the DZ of the product's name), who is now attempting to make a profit from his raw groinal area. Yes, of course this appears to be an Onion article. That's what I thought at first, too. But this apperas to be real.

“Proper MainTAINTanance of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.” — Dave Zabriskie

Questions: Is it waterproof? Can I also use it as sunscreen? Can I get extra spicy?

The more I learn about cycling, the happier I am that I own a car.

dznuts — Protect Your Junk This Is Real [Deuce Of Davenport]