Last Night's Winner: Charlie Sheen

Like the rest of us, Charlie Sheen will die one day, but for a man to so blatantly defy whatever mores that exists in the universe while he fast-tracks to death is truly winner-worthy.

If you haven't heard, Sheen, the highest-paid sitcom actor for his work on Two and a Half Men, engaged in another 36-hour bender that ended (presumably) in a stomach-pumping hospital visit. Were there porn stars involved, you ask? Yes. Two, actually, and a "bevy" of other women. Oh, was a briefcase full of cocaine on the premises? Of course. According to the delightfully dim porn star Kacey Jordan, five 8-balls were delivered to the Sheen residence in a Gucci satchel bag from a very professional-looking gentleman at some point during Sheen's impromptu house party. Five 8-balls "the size of my fist," an awestruck Jordan told paparazzi cameraman.

Sad as this may be to his friends and family, Sheen remains remarkably rigid in his self-destruction, despite the fact that even his most mundane daily activities are tabloid-worthy. In a celebrity world where public figures involved in public shame are quick to rehabilitate their images either through 30-day stay overs at glorified health spas, futile denial, or hollow apologies forced upon them by handlers, ol' Charlie just keeps on chugging vodka and blowing gaggers until the Man makes him stop. Sheen's latest hernia could very well result in him being handcuffed to Dr. Drew for the next 60 days, even though that dude is merely an MD'd Snooki with a Serenity Prayer. But remember — Sheen will get better and healthier and continue to make millions, despite his constant need to quell the pain through pussy and drugs. He'll be back, though, doggy-paddling through the septic tank because sometimes that's the only place where the water's truly warm.