Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
2010. Spokane, Washington. St. Patricks Day. March Madness. Week off from school for being in the pep band. $50 a day stipend from the NCAA for "food" aka take all the underclassmen's stipend and buy tons of booze. You'd think this was the ultimate situation and for the most part it was, I was on the pep band for the Siena Saints and we were the "trendy" 13 over 4 against Purdue (having had that amazing game against OSU the year before and dismantling Vanderbuilt the year before that) we were staying at the Doubletree along with SDS and I think Old Dominion and the atmosphere was electric.
At the Doubletree they were really worried about underage drinking so when they caught wind that we were throwing a huge party in our room security told us that if they get a complaint that we'd be kicked out. Naturally that didn't deter us and we proceeded to throw a "party" with absinthe, jack, keystones and some really shitty local vodka. I had run into some San Diego State cheerleaders and female pep band members in the elevator and using some sort of dumb luck/charm convinced them that they should come get shitfaced with us in the name of the Irish (it was St. Pattys day) so we're all in our room, getting shitfaced and I start chatting up this girl Kathy, not the best looking girl but hell I was drunk and fucking seemed like the greatest idea that could possibly occur after drinking for 18 hours.
We hit it off and after some back and forth we head back to her room and start undressing. We get some feelers in and before I know it someone else barges into her room and it's none other than the freaking Aztec mascot in full mascot uniform. Plastered off his skull and apparently Kathy's roommate's boyfriend he proceeds to tell us that he needs a condom or some shit and then realizes we're in the middle of things and starts talking to us. Between chants of "Let's Go Tecs!" and "Kathy you should evaluate your life" she gets him out of the room and then tells me to get out too. Bummed I walk back to my room only to find that I left without my key and my roommate is passed out drunk so I ended up sleeping against my door with a huge backache the next morning and having to play the drums at 5:30.
My only condolence? The mascot fell during his game when he tried doing a backflip and busted his ass in front of a capacity crowd of 700 in Spokane for the early game, so there is that...
Three of my Cleveland friends and I went to NYC for a Browns-Giants game a few years back and on Friday night went to a meatpacking district bar called Hogs 'n Heifers. There was a group of about six incredibly drunk girls playing pool in the back and since it was a slow night there was no competition for their company. I was making rude but joking comments to one of the girls playing pool and she rewarded me by flipping up her skirt and flashing her pantyless ass at me. My crew called dibs on the ones they wanted and the drinks started flowing. Pool playing girl starts sucking face with and grinding on me and I can tell it's Game On.
We go back to her tiny NYC single-girl apartment and I get her naked on the couch and start a little finger-banging. Her small shih tzu or whatever dog jumps up on the couch and buries its face between her spread thighs and starts VIGOROUSLY licking her little honey spot. She made no effort to stop it or move and just looked up at me with a "whatever works" look on her face. This went on for like 2 minutes. I normally use going down on a girl to get myself worked up but there was no way I was licking up a dog's saliva from her vag. Unfortunately, my cock was even more horrified than I was. After about 30 minutes of trying and failing to get the image out of my mind, I took my limp dick and hailed a cab. My parting shot going out the door was "I think you're out of peanut butter".
Handy tip: Never go that bar. That bar is the fucking worst.
During my senior year of college I spent an evening flirting with this girl and eventually took her home. I was in the nascent stages of dating someone else, though, and kind of felt like a piece of crap about it. I told myself that that was it, this girl and I wouldn't fool around anymore after that night. Unfortunately I had forgotten that while chatting this girl up, I told her we should get together sometime to smoke weed and watch the Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' synced up. I mean, obviously, we wouldn't necessarily watch very much of it, but it worked as a pretense to see each other again/get high.
A few days later she came over to see the wizard. We smoked and turned on the movie, and while she laid in my bed, I tried to control myself by sitting alone in a chair across the room. In hindsight, this probably made me seem like some kind of frigid weirdo-she's laying on the bed, trying to look seductive, and I'm cowering in the corner like a 7th grader at a sock hop. After Dark Side cut out, my self control finally faltered and I joined her, a knight rescuing her from awkward, temporary celibacy. We started making out, and I focused every ounce of my mental energy on the girl I was actually dating, trying desperately to mute the hotness and prevent us from going any further.
So, I'm high, and eventually I think to myself, "If I already slept with this girl two nights ago, what difference does it make if I sleep with her now too?" This logic energized my boner and I was suddenly starved for relatively guilt-free sex. I decided to go in for a passionate movie kiss and let her know that it was truly on. My sudden enthusiasm didn't mesh too well with my marijuana-clouded mind, though, and I went in for this kiss WAY too hard. Like a pigeon pecking popcorn off a sidewalk.
BAM! Our faces smash against each other and I recoil in horror-a splash of blood was visible on her teeth in the instant before she covered her mouth with her hands. It quickly became clear that I would not be getting lucky that night. Within the next ten minutes I was walking her to her car.