Acting! Wins The Weekend

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the poor unappreciated working stiffs who get paid unconscionable sums to play make believe for a living. It's about time they got some attention.

I never understood why film editors and makeup artists get 35 seconds to enjoy their one and only moment in the sun, yet Julia Roberts gets 12 minutes to thank her dog walker for helping to make her 14th national television appearance that weekend a reality. Tim Robbins spent more time on his pointless story about Morgan Freeman than the documentary winners who got played off while introducing a girl in a wheelchair. No time for that! Let's watch a guy do "The Robot" over the score to "Up."

Funny how nobody ever remembers to thank their manager or their mom when they're on Oprah or Leno or Ellen or Access Hollywood or Attack of the Show or TMZ or any of the other hundreds of outlets that will literally shove a camera into an actor's face and beg them to talk about something. Yet, when Sandra Bullock gets up on stage for her big Oscar moment who does she choose to thank? Other actors. And not the actors she was actually acting with. No, the actresses who we just got done celebrating two minutes earlier. Nor did she thank the screenwriter who told her what to say or the author who wrote the book that made Michael Oher famous, or even Michael Oher who was, in theory, the whole reason the movie was even made. Instead, let me tell you this hilarious thing George Clooney did once.

And seriously, fuck the Dolphins. I never liked their wildcat offense anyway.