American Justin Gatlin Rudely Spoils Usain Bolt's Final 100-Meter Race

Usurping American aggressor Justin Gatlin has vanquished the great champion Usain Bolt in Bolt’s last ever 100-meter race, at the IAAF World Track and Field Championships in London.

Bolt, it turns out, finished in , as fellow dastardly American Christian Coleman took the silver. Gatlin finished in 9.92 seconds; Coleman came in at 9.94; and Bolt at 9.95. It strikes me as extremely possible that someone in a dark overcoat and fake mustache shot Bolt with a poisoned dart immediately before the starting gun. After all, this was the first time Bolt has ever lost in the 100 meters at either the World Championships or the Olympics.

“I dreamed about this day,” an emotional Gatlin told NBC in a post-race interview. “I worked hard for this day. ... It took me not thinking about myself and thinking about others that gave me this fight.”

Presumably the “others” Gatlin thought about were members of the shadowy cabal of imperialists and corporate overlords who conspired to rig this contest against world hero Usain Bolt. Shameful.