Amid Shaq-Donovan Mitchell beef, Utah House passes resolution that Kazaam sucked

In today’s “sports are hilarious” moment, the Utah House of Representatives decided to actually hear, and vote, on a resolution “honoring Donovan Mitchell over Shaquille O’Neal,” which also included naming “Spida” the official state arachnid. Apparently, elected officials decided that young Jazz star Donovan Mitchell needed governmental backing to settle his beef with Shaq. Naturally, after Rep. Kera Birkeland presented the bill dressed as a referee, while House Speaker Brad Wilson donned a Mitchell jersey, the resolution passed by a 67-5 vote.

The motives of the resolution were succinctly spelled out in the bill:

WHEREAS, the Utah Jazz are a beloved part of the Utah community and the National Basketball Association (NBA);

WHEREAS, in Utah, we support our players when they face awkward abuse during post-game interviews disguised as pep talks;

WHEREAS, the claim by Shaquile O’Neal (Shaq) on January 21, 2021, that Utah Jazz All-Star Donovan Mitchell Jr. (Donovan) doesn’t have what it takes to get to the next level is even less accurate than his 50.4% playoff free-throw percentage (slightly worse than Donovan’s 88.1%);

I am absolutely rolling at this beautiful troll job. Truly, kudos to Birkeland and to any and all who wasted a few tax dollars and some time by drafting and debating this beautiful bill. But was it a waste of resources? No.

The bill went on to undeniably roast Shaq by making sure to point out that Kazaam has a 5% rating on rotten tomatoes, and that Shaq’s “skill” was being bigger than everyone else. But being politicians, after all, they did include a nod to the big man: “BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the House of Representatives also recognizes the tremendous impact Shaquille O’Neal, one of the all-time NBA greats, has made in communities throughout the United States through generous donations of his time and resources.”

I could only hope to aspire to the sheer level of petty trolling that the Utah House of Representatives displayed today. Supporting the Salty Lake Jazz, as I will henceforth call them, they showed the unifying ability of sports fandom, and the potential for great and positive impact that athletes have in their communities.

I’ll end this exactly how Birkeland ended her bill: BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, “Aight. That’s it.”