Baby You Can Sign My Card

Deadspin associate editor Rick Chandler is at the American Century Championship celebrity golf tournament at Stateline, Nev., this week. He is not considered one of the celebrities. In fact, he has been called a wuss by Scott Hamilton. Here is the second of today's two reports.

OK, we finally tracked down Big Ben. But we didn't talk to him. It's kind of hard to gain access when the guy has two steroid-soaked bodyguards with him at all times. Yeah, Ben Roethilsberger has "people" now. Hey, you know how it is on the mean streets of Lake Tahoe (motto: enjoy our complimentary muffins).

Ben's guards are huge, and cranky. Not only do they keep the press away from the Steelers quarterback, but they look on as he's signing autographs, making sure no kid gets more than one. Ask for two, and you just may get yourself snapped like a mop handle. "Hey, keep it moving, Oliver Twist." There's was Big Ben press conference today at 9 a.m., Pacific but nothing if there's anything exclusive, though we're no Jim Rome. Oh, Roethlisberger's face looks fine, by the way. Maybe a little puffy, but that could just be from the muffins.

Celebrity golf tournaments are geared for autograph signing, and American Century puts an emphasis on the meet-and-greet. The players know that iif they aren't accomodating to fans, they might get pushed to the end of the invitation list. Of course, some are too big to worry about that. Michael Jordan, for one. He canceled two days before this event. And some seem to get a bad rap. Many fans told us that Lance Armstrong is a horse's patoot, but judging by the photo above (that's Lance in the middle somewhere, signing), it's hard to justify.

We talked with several autograph hounds and made a consensus list. For your reading pleasure, the good guys, and the bad guys at the American Century:

• Mario Lemieux: Not friendly. • Marcus Allen: Impossible to approach. • Jerry Rice: OK. He's polite. • Marshall Faulk: "Overpaid freakin' douche." • Herman Edwards: Signs for everyone, no matter how long it takes. • Chris Webber: Very approachable. Very nice. • John Elway: "A total ass." • Anthony Edwards: Nicest guy here. Also the funniest. • Kevin Nealon: Hard to imagine anyone better (he stinks). • Mike Schmidt: "A total jackass." • Lance Armstrong: "Complete Freakin' Ass." • Dan Patrick: Devil spawn who blew us off.

OK, that last one was ours.

And don't forget, as per request by a commenter, we will have an exclusive review of the size and paucity of Donald Trump's posterior, as soon as he shows up. So look for that on Monday.