Bring Me The Dang Trades

Where are the friggin’ trades? That is what the hell I want to know. Show me the trades.

The NBA trading deadline is tomorrow at 3:00 in the afternoon, and since the blockbuster DeMarcus Cousins trade—which was supposed to portend hot action across the NBA as teams scrambled to adjust to the new order in the middle of the Western Conference—there’s been, in total, diddly frickin’ jack crap on the trade front. Lou Williams went to the Rockets. I don’t give a damn about that!

The Cavaliers need a playmaker and possibly some frontcourt help. The Celtics need somebody who can score. The Wizards need a backup guard who is not Trey Burke or Tomas Satoransky. None of those teams will have much of a chance of beating the Warriors without that stuff. And that’s just the top three teams in the East! I’m sure some of the teams in the West need some help too. Oh, what, like the friggin’ Clippers are completely perfect. Blow me! Make some damn trades already!

And those are just the teams that should be buying. What about all the shitty teams who need to unload expensive and/or good players? The Knicks have Carmelo Anthony, who is good and expensive, and Derrick Rose, who is bad and expensive. Trade their asses! The Bulls have Jimmy Butler, whom apparently everyone in the organization except Dwyane Wade hates passionately. Trade him! The Wolves have no need for Ricky Rubio. Ship him to the Magic or something.

The opportunities are there. But the trades are not. I am tired of this shit. I hereby agree to praise the next GM who makes a trade, unless that GM is Ernie Grunfeld and the trade is bad. Let’s do some trades.

Here’s a trade idea: Trade not making any big trades for making some big trades.