Cure for LeFevour: Schnellenberger With Side of Weekend Bowl Games

Florida Atlantic feeds a fever and three bowls with zero pretensions work the broadcast tower for us on a bloated Saturday.

Florida Atlantic found true outer balance before their Motor City Bowlage Friday with a 6-6 record, truly having explored the highs and lows of life writ small in a public forum. Content with identification as pure 'eh', they prepared for a long offseason of adequately achieving other tasks, like picking up average girls, making the average grade, and moderately consuming alcoholic beverages at so-so parties.

Then they had to screw it all up with a 24-21 win against Dan LeFevour's Central Michigan posse. Nice job, Howard Schnellenberger. You went and ruined it for those poor kids, making them winners and putting pressure on them to score slightly better tail and really bust their asses for that B-. Don't you know how hard college is, Coach? We hope the baskets full of money were worth it. 'Cause you can get a whole lot of beer with that.

Today, we've got the "bowls that really don't give a damn who knows that they put out for corporate sponsorship" to keep us warm in front of our cracklin' flat-screens. (We were a bit tipsy when we plugged in our Christmas tree and put our telly in a bucket of water to keep its pixels from falling off too quickly.) These bowls proudly wear their corporately-named tags and rub themselves with hundred dollar bills behind closed doors:

Meineke Car Care Bowl (WVU vs. UNC): This bowl is notable mostly because West Virginians will spend most of the game dominating their party lines to call Rich Rodriguez in Ann Arbor and leave snide messages. "Hey, Coach... you watchin' this game? Nah, probably not... you're too busy preparing for the Fiesta Bowl. HA!" Champs Sports Bowl (UW vs. FL St.): In which the bowl is named for what it does not have, sadly. On the other hand, they're adjacent to Disney World! (Also, congratulations to Wisconsin's fans for keeping them in bowl consideration each year because they'll go any damned place but Wisconsin in late December.) Emerald Bowl (Miami (FL) vs. Cal): Rough estimate on the number of Miami players suspended for this game: all. Some people will do anything to avoid leaving Florida in the winter. In fact, don't be surprised to find out Robert Marve's "team violation" was stapling himself to an umbrella stand at The Clevelander.

Also, Hugh won't go down without a fight. Therefore, you can hit him up with your bowl-based bon mots on AOL Instant Messenger at "TheHughJohnson". Bring it one more time. Do it for the children. Of Hugh. Hugh's kids.