Welcome back to Deadspin’s March Madness-themed Jackass Tournament. Here are the rest of the results from Round 1. Yesterday’s batch is available here.
No. 5 Jackson Mahomes defeats No. 12 Jason Whitlock (Chris Berman region)
Both of these assclowns deserved to move on, but it was Jackson Mahomes taking down Jason Whitlock. The latter may be a big-mouth ignoramus whose idiocy knows no bounds, but he isn’t quite the jackoff Patrick’s little bro has proven to be. Jackson certainly has made use of his brother’s fame while using their last name as an excuse to be a deplorable human. Everything from flapping his gums way too much on social media for clout to allegedly forcing himself on a restaurant owner. Jackson’s offenses run the gamut.
No. 11 Daniel Snyder defeats No. 6 Patrick Kane (Chris Berman region)
Two more guys who suck horribly, but it’s Daniel Snyder walking away with the ‘W’ this time. Both have been accused of similar crimes, but Snyder’s had more instances and accusers over the years. It’s not just sexual harassment/assault allegations with Snyder. The entire Washington Commanders organization was fostering this toxic work environment. He’s also allegedly stolen money from his fellow NFL owners. You know it’s bad when that “good ol boys” club turns on you.
No. 7 Herschel Walker defeats No. 10 Kyrie Irving (Stephen A. Smith region)
It would take a week to jot down the laundry list of irrationalism displayed by Hershel Walker in just the past 12 months. Kyrie Irving’s made some of the most erroneous comments, especially during his time in Brooklyn, but he’s not even close to Walker’s level. The best thing would be to lock the former NFL star away somewhere and place a chastity device over his face so he can no longer be seen or heard.
No. 9 Skip Bayless defeats No. 8 Dave Portnoy (Stephen A. Smith region)
The leader of Softstool Sports, Dave Portnoy, can be insufferable, much like the Boston fan base he represents to a nauseating degree. But he’s got nothing on Skip Bayless, who’s made a career out of trolling for a living. Bayless is so down for the cause that he’s willing to downplay co-host Shannon Sharpe’s accomplishments to defend his point about an athlete (Tom Brady) with whom he claims to have no personal relationship. Skip’s been at it for decades and shows no signs of slowing down. This means we’ll likely be stuck with this asshat for another few years, at the least.