Dear Celtics, Please Unleash The All-Beef Lineup

Last night’s Game 1 between the Celtics and Sixers was a pretty good time. Terry Rozier looked like fuckin’ Chris Paul out there and Joel Embiid was unstoppable and Jayson Tatum did some cool whirly-bird moves that made me go, “Ooh! Nice!” But what I was most excited to see was the late-game introduction of Celtics forward Guerschon Yabusele.

Look at this unit:

Love to see that guy move his big haunches up and down the court. In fact, one of the things I like about this Celtics team is how many big lads it has on the roster. And so I make this plea to Brad Stevens: If you ever again find yourself up by 15-20 points late in the fourth quarter during these playoffs, send the beef onto the floor.

Yabusele can be the small forward. Next to him, playing slightly out of position at shooting guard, we’ll slot in Semi Ojeleye:

Some people may prefer a guard who can shoot and handle the ball a little bit. I’ll take one with an immovable, rectangular ass.

Running point will be Marcus Smart, who used to do that in college but is far too klutzy to do so in the NBA. Now is the time for him to return to the glory days:

Rounding things out will be Greg Monroe and Aron Baynes at the four and five spots. If I’m being frank, I’d prefer squatter proportions in the all-beef lineup’s front court, but these guys are still plenty large:

Put the these slabs out there and watch them play. Let it be Big Boy Season.