Emmitt Smith, You Are A Champion! The Emptiness Is Temporarily Gone!

It appears that American can finally release its collective tension: "Dancing With The Stars" has finally crowned a winner. And it's none other than ... Emmitt Smith! Yes, the former Cowboys (and Buzzsaw) running back emerged victorious last night, barely edging out Mario Lopez, and any contest in which you barely edge out Mario Lopez is clearly an achievement of the highest magnitude.

Emmitt's pretty fired up about the whole thing.

"It is awesome! It is awesome!" declared Smith, after hugging his professional dance partner Cheryl Burke. "We came a long way, we really have." "You don't get into a competition unless you think you can win," he said after Tuesday's dance finale.

We congratulate Emmitt on his "victory," and hope that once the feverish glow of conquest fades, he is able to find something to sate that torturous thirst for competition that taunts all retired athletes. Might we suggest "Fear Factor?" You don't go in there and start milking goats with your mouth unless you think you can win.

Emmitt Smith Wins Dancing with the Stars [People] Football Great Emmitt Smith Wins ABC's 'Dancing With The Stars' [The Star Phoenix]