Michael Block killed golf

It’s not a coincidence that the day after Michael Block failed to qualify for the US Open, the PGA Tour panic merged with its alleged arch-nemesis LIV. There was a star vacuum left once Greg Norman and obscene sums of money convinced a lot of big names to defect to the LIV Tour. I don’t have to go through the list of names — mostly because I don’t want to — but the falloff was so dramatic that Jay Monahan was relying on novelty acts to prop up his league.

Was it too much to ask a 40-something golf pro to be the face of the sport after an out-of-body experience at the PGA Championship? Was Block even aware of what he was asked to lift? Likely not, but there must be a fall guy, a scapegoat, some moment — or someone — to pin this whole ordeal on.

Block captivated the nation because the nation didn’t want to talk about Bruno, but now that we’ve ripped up the floorboards, Brooks Koepka is back. Bryson Dechambeau is back, Cam Smith, Phil Mickelson, Dustin Johnson, and the whole merry band of fuck wit assclowns can once again trapeze all over Augusta, Pebble Beach, Shinnecock, wherever, and fans won’t have to pretend like an amateur finishing 15th was the story of the major.

Maybe if Block was actually worth a shit, and won something this wouldn’t have happened. Fill your golf bag with pool cues, rakes, and gardening tools, and get out there and be somebody. Jesus fucking lord, Michael. Fifteen minutes is all you’ve got?

Slug a beer mid-round, soft shoe on the eighth green, start betting with the gallery, anything. Has the paperwork gone through? What kind of last-minute Succession vote is needed to overturn this deal? Get Gerri, Frank, Hugo, and Karl on the phone and sprinkle in the backroom finesse needed to tank the merger. Go full reverse Viking, villagers turned pillagers, and all that business psycho nonsense.

Blame also is warranted for Rory McIlroy, Tiger Woods, Jon Rahm, and the rest of those goody-goodies over at the PGA Tour. All they had to do was win every major from now until infinity to prove that their tour was the only real golf, and the feud would’ve continued in perpetuity. Instead, injuries, choking, and mental fragility got the best of them, and they let the bad guys win. Bunch of damn losers

The best part is Rory and the other holier than thous didn’t even get paid for their righteous indignation. Oh, poor babies, you missed out on the cut and the blood money? Next time, be real Americans and just take the cash. You know full well that Michael Block wouldn’t have turned down $500 million to put on a rubber nose and play parlor games for 54 holes.