Embarrassing moron thinks space lasers started Maui wildfires

There’s anxiety, and then there’s paranoia. If you’re afraid of flying, crowds, or clowns, that’s understandable. Everybody has their own quirks, but when it comes to the hardcore baseless conspiracy theorists — say, shadowy government forces using cutting-edge military weaponry to start a deadly fire in Hawaii for vague, nefarious purposes — nothing is understandable.

Former NBA player, lunatic, and apparent 2024 US Senate hopeful Royce White wants to “Investigate Maui.” At least that’s what he wrote on the side of his head during a recent BIG3 game.

Ahh, yes, the BIG3 league, and Truth Social: the last two bastions of free speech in this country. During another BIG3 appearance last month, White had “Trump won!” scrawled in that same spot on his head, and since he clearly doesn’t spend much time thinking, it’s at least nice to see him using his noggin for… something.

Whom White would like to look into the fire, or more accurately, who he trusts to conduct the investigation, I have no idea. Maybe he’s trying to do it like a true crime podcast, but infinitely dumber, and, hey, would you look at this star-studded panel?

This isn’t the first, or last, time White has spouted theories more apt for the National Enquirer than a conversation with someone who used to be a journalist. “Is Barack Obama gay, and does it matter?” is as much a podcast subject as chemtrails or fluoride.

As it happens, the AP looked into the alleged space laser, which lead to this 100 percent real headline:

“A video doesn’t show a laser beam igniting Maui’s wildfires. It’s a transformer explosion in Chile”

There’s also mounds of scientific research about climate change, and its effect on the planet, if people want a tangible explanation for what happened in Hawaii, because Oprah and Dr. Evil did not do this.

I mean, where are the hard-hitting journos when you need them?

Oh for fuck’s sake. If Michelle Tafoya can work Hitler, Hunter Biden, and hand soap into a 30-minute diatribe, and Royce White counts as an expert witness on suburban legend, then what I’m doing certainly qualifies as journalism, and the committee can just email me my Pulitzer.