Your Super Bowl Weather Report: ICY DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL

All week long, we'll be keeping track of the weather conditions for Super Bowl XLVIII. Here is your Monday update.

Current Temperature: 38 degrees

Wind Chill: -47 degrees Kelvin

Feels like: You have been shipwrecked upon a vast, deserted sub-Antarctic island, with very little in the way of game to hunt. To the southeast, you will find a horde of sea lions that can be clubbed and used for both food and candle tallow. But soon the pack will travel north, and then what will you do?

Barometric pressure: I have no idea what that is.

Winds: 57 knots, blowing south by southeast by northeast by west by south-southwest

Chance of raining glass: 31%

Will you die? Not quite yet. But soon. Soon.

Extended Super Bowl forecast: Darkness. Darkness shall creep over the lands and shroud us all in its cold, dead grip. It will slither down the hills and around the trees and smother you, filling your mouth and anus with impenetrable blackness, colonizing your body like some kind of alien cancer. You will succumb. You cannot stop the dark. Wear a scarf.