Every year ESPN drags out the three-hour press release that is the ESPYs and every year we post the above video of Norm Macdonald's monologue from the 1998 ESPYs. This was the sixth annual ESPY awards, which means it took a scant six years for the ESPYs to become as self-serious and pathetic as the Oscars have always been. Anyway, Norm's jokes here don't exactly stand the test of time (there are Hideki Irabu jokes in here). The real gold is in the crowd shots, the best of which we have noted below:
1:13—KEN GRIFFEY JR.
Critical detail: Griffey was apparently hired to serve as the official double-take provider of the awards. "Did Norm really just say Hideki Irabu drove his cab here?" Yes, he did, Ken. You weren't ready for that much edginess, were you?
2:05—MARK MESSIER
Critical detail: Molester glasses. Gives off the appearance of a deranged James Carville trying to grow a woman in a lab.
2:34—BOOMER ESIASON
Critical detail: After Norm makes a joke about the Cowboys needing more "strippers and crack," Boomer offers a perma-smile instead of a laugh, as if smiling is close enough to laughing to serve as a proper joke response.
3:13—JOHN ELWAY
Critical detail: HOLY FUCK ELWAY LOOKS LIKE A 10-YEAR-OLD BOY. With the big front chompers and everything. All he needs is his dad next him with a Cracker Jack box and we're golden.
3:23—TERRELL DAVIS
Critical detail: Braces. You'll never make the Hall of Fame wearing those, TD.
4:28—BILL BRADLEY
Critical detail: Dignified eye roll at Charles Barkley joke. Semi-Siskel-esque.
4:40—DEAN SMITH
Critical detail: Boy he seems grumpy HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE MANNING BROTHERS BEHIND HIM WHAT GOOFY-LOOKING ASSHOLES
6:42—TIGER WOODS
Critical detail: The teeth. Christ, what fucking huge teeth. He's like the Indians mascot with those teeth. Anyway, this is the last time anyone had visual evidence of Tiger Woods smiling.
6:46—DENNY GREEN
Critical detail: Comes right after Tiger. Like going from eating ribeye straight to Taco Bell mealworm burrito filling.
7:24—BOOMER ESIASON, AGAIN
Critical detail: No longer smiling. Good idea on his part. The smile from before was creepy. Also, that's some big hair.
7:56—CHARLES WOODSON AND RYAN LEAF
Critical detail: Oh, what simpler times for Ryan. He had his whole life in front of him to ruin.
8:18—KEN GRIFFEY JR., AGAIN
Critical detail: Another double take. "This Norm guy is CRAZZZZY!"