We’re being held hostage by bad or pointless football

The first two games of the NFL’s Saturday football lineup featured four backup quarterbacks. Instead of Joe Burrow, Kirk Cousins, Anthony Richardson and Kenny Pickett, we got Jake Browning, Nick Mullens, Gardner Minshew and Mitch Trubisky. Thank god for Jared Goff and Russell Wilson in the night game, or there would’ve been absolutely no reason to watch pro football — and I dare not ever utter that aloud.

To admit that the product is diminished is tantamount to surrendering all leverage when asked to do non-football-related activities during football season. There are vital fantasy implications at stake, how am I supposed to spread holiday cheer when I want to launch my phone at the nearest breakable object?

It doesn’t matter that Denver got mauled by Detroit, 42-17, quarterbacks that I’ve heard of, who might not suck, were playing. That’s as much as a football fan can ask for.

Aside from the money, the main reason college football gives us pointless, sponsored exhibition games when they do is to get through Christmas break. However, bowl matchups are now transparently and overtly meaningless. It’s becoming more difficult to justify watching these “showcases” when the starting quarterbacks are either in the transfer portal, or withholding for the draft.

If this plague continues? Oh, marone, we’re going to need a lot more Tommy Cutlets. Quick, somebody call Sean Stellato and see if any more starting quarterbacks fell off the truck.

Is there too much football? Too little? What’s the perfect ratio that keeps good QBs playing and me from turning off the TV in disgust and asking my family what they want to do like I’m some kind of tour guide?

“Mommy, why is dad acting like that? He’s scaring me.”

“It’s OK, honey. He just watched three turnovers, five three-and-outs, and seven punts in a half...Bill, go away. You’re frightening our daughter.”

The other day, I was asked, “Why can’t you just go watch football in the other room?” I didn’t know what to say. I just froze, and muttered something inaudible about Zach Wilson and Joe Flacco before everything went dark.

Apparently, the only way EMTs could settle me down was with old YouTube clips of Joe Montana and Tommie Frazier. Mankind hasn’t faced this level of crisis since Al Gore created global warming.

If all football becomes bad football, what’s the point of tailgating? That’s like standing outside waiting for a Creed concert to start and getting wasted unironically. You’d have to be insane to voluntarily watch Duke without Riley Leonard, USC minus Caleb Williams or North Carolina sans Drake Maye. Not only are multiple teams without their regular starters, the guys filling in will likely be replaced by other transfer portal quarterbacks in the offseason if they haven’t already.

This much mediocre football immediately renders a one-score game in the 20s as great football, and I can’t go on lying to myself. Maybe to my family about my level of interest on Saturdays and Sundays to get out of ice skating, but eventually, I’ll be found out.

I don’t know what’s worse: Watching a bunch of Rudys get pity snaps in the Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl, or getting to know an NFL team’s backup quarterback like a boring character who ruins a show you enjoy. Josh Dobbs is to pro football what Bran Stark is to Game of Thrones.

I know more about Dorian Thompson-Robinson than I can forget, and that’s entirely too much useless knowledge. When Minshew is as omnipresent as the Burger King jingle, it’s time to find a new hobby or stop neglecting old ones.

Also, technically, a family is not a hobby.