Gator Quarterback Not Named Tebow Charged With Burglary

Florida Gators backup quarterback, Cameron Newton, was arrested, charged with felony burglary, and suspended from the team after stealing a classmate's laptop. Newton got caught when, in a stroke of genius, he used the stolen laptop to access the school's network. Oh, but that's not all. When he realized he was going to be caught, he threw the laptop out of his dorm window.

A student reported the computer stolen Oct. 16, according to the police report, and an investigation University police went to Newton’s dorm Friday, were invited inside and noticed the laptop on Newton’s desk. Officers left the room to confirm that the computer matched the serial code of the laptop reported stolen, according to the report. When they returned, it was gone. According to police, the laptop had been painted black on the top and had “Cam Newton” written on the top in white paint. Officers found the computer behind a trash bin outside the dorm and learned that “Mr. Newton threw the computer out of his bedroom window,” the report said.

Arrested, kicked off the team, and referred to in the headlines only as "Tebow's backup". Talk about insult to injury. Now when you think about it, players can't have jobs, can't accept gifts, and generally have no money. What's left to do but pimp some nerd's computer? Am I right? Free Newton! Watch for falling objects around Cam Newton's dorm room [Dr. Saturday]