Here Is Your Memorial Day Menu

So it's Memorial Day, a day designated by the federal government for inching glacially northward on I-95 with ten trillion other weekend beachgoers, cursing the day this humid blue turd congealed out of space-garbage in the orbit of a giant ignited fart, secretly desperate to return to the climate-controlled privacy of your dire gray cubicle where you may resume browsing the internet only minimally interrupted by the requirements of "work."

That's what it is for the suckers, anyway, them and their seeing-the-world and living-for-today and other such nonsense. Tandem bicycles and walking hand-in-hand up the shoreline and eventual memories of a life well and fully lived. Bah. Not you, buddy. You spent the long weekend picking lint out of your bellybutton at home, and your reward is a Monday of glorious hedonistic gluttony. Fire up the Weber, you great visionary puddle! There's entire cubic centimeters of your heart that you haven't stuffed with cholesterol yet!

Grilled chicken breasts. Cook those first, while the fire is still nuclear-hot, and to distract your health-evangelist guests from what comes after.

Flank steak. This also requires an extremely hot fire.

A giant T-bone steak the size of a car battery. For everyone, or for one person who does not wish to live anymore.

Cheeseburgers. The fire has settled down a bit; the desire for hot beefy annihilation has not. These will steal the entire show.

Kebabs. Everybody likes kebabs. Here's how to make three kinds of 'em.

Barbecue chicken thighs. These'll take a while, which is good, since everyone is now in a coma. Clamp a lid on the grill and go throw a frisbee.

Ribs. The coals are getting pretty worn out by now. Shovel them over to one side and slow-cook some ribs on indirect heat; they won't be ready until after everyone's gone home, which, hey: More ribs for you.

Potato salad. This is particularly incredible when parked next to those chicken thighs.

Caesar salad. Especially with the steak.

Hummus. This'll go nicely with the kebabs.

Margaritas. Today, but also all other days.

Canned beer. Canned beer is so much the best beer.

Cheap American beer. In cans!

Fruit-flavored juice grenades. For the kids, or for grownups looking for a reeeally sketchy place to stash some vodka.

Peach cobbler. With ice cream.

Chocolate pudding. It's OK for grownups to like chocolate pudding.

Tubular freezer pops. But, for chrissakes, not the blue ones.

Go forth, and cook, and eat, and be happy in the sunshine.