Hey Brendan Leipsic, Do You Kiss Your Mom With That Mouth

Some shitty hockey player said shitty things about a bunch of people!

This isn’t that important, really, when we’re dealing with global pandemic, worldwide economic collapse, murder hornets, and the bewildering name of Elon Musk and Grimes’ love child: X Æ A-12

But, anyway, the details:

Brendan Leipsic, whom you’ve never heard of (I love hockey and he was on the Vegas Golden Knights when I lived in Vegas and loosely rooted for them in their inaugural year, and I’ve never heard of him), had his Instagram chat leaked on Wednesday. He said a lot of misogynistic, nasty things, with a lot of insults aimed at teammates, former teammates, and their wives, or girlfriends.

Leipsic deleted his Instagram account, but the Internet is undefeated and Twitter captured the images.

On former teammate Tanner Pearson’s wife: “Look how fat Pearson’s wife is lol”

On star Connor McDavid’s girlfriend: “Greasy beat up legs on Cindy Lou”

McDavid and his girlfriend, Lauren Kyle, were dressed as The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who from “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” for the holidays.

There’s a lot of fat shaming, some talk about how Leipsic, “Love(s) coke.” And there is plenty of “locker room talk,” as President Trump might put it.

One image shows a conversation with “tonyone,” who asks, “How high are you,” to which Leipsic responds, “Significantly.” There’s an unavailable story, presumably depicting a sexual conquest, and Leipsic says, “My finger was up her ass Hollywood.”

Hilariously, Leipsic probably hurt his chances at getting future action by admitting he’s no endurance champ:

“She is a lot to handle in the sack bois. Second kill of the night she sat on my hog and busted in 7 pumps. I was blow away.”

There’s a group pic including former Vancouver teammate Jake Virtanan and his crew: “Easily the worst crew in the world,” Leipsic said.

He called current Washington linemates Garnet Hathaway and Nic Dowd “losers.”

Leipsic — who has scored as many as 7 goals in a season, and 16 total in his 4+ years in the league with Toronto, Vegas, Los Angeles, Vancouver, and now Washington — issued a perfunctory apology:

“Yesterday my friend’s Instagram account was hacked and an individual circulated images that are representative of private conversations I was a part of. I fully recognize how inappropriate and offensive these comments are and sincerely apologize to everyone for my actions. I am committed to learning from this and becoming a better person by taking time to determine how to move forward in an accountable, meaningful way. I am truly sorry.”

Brendan, if you want to grow (TWSS), I have some advice for you. There are only two insults that you ever need in life:

“Your mom”

“no, u”

Not only are these amazing, irrefutable insults, they also double as jokes. If you want to expand your humor repertoire, you could always add the classic “That’s What She Said” (TWSS).

I’ve written exhaustively about this recently:

I’m sure one day some troll will dig up old texts and AIM chats talking shit about “your mom” and message boards of “no, u” responses. And I won’t have to apologize, because who fucking cares.

Can you imagine if the NHL released a statement like this condemning the use of “your mom” insults?

no, u