'Hi, I'm Sidney And I'm Going To Get Tim Tebow Laid'

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day

• Here's Sidney. She hears Tim Tebow has a purity ring. She thinks he needs some action. She thinks his bald head is sexy. Tim Tebow has until September 12 and the his virginity is Sidney's. So she says. Radio stations are so clever. [ GetTimTebowLaid]

• Everybody has an opinion about Roger Clemens this morning, including Mike Lupica, who thinks he's not a Hall of Famer, Lance Berkman, who says he is, and Clemens' former mistress, Mindy McCready, who believes The Rocket hung around the wrong people throughout his career. [NYDN]

• Sports Nation's Michelle Beadle continues to talk to anyone who requests an interview. Nachos. [ Manofest]

• Derrick Rose is the proud owner of a Skittles machine. [ DockSquadSports]

Yeah, that's enough.

It's Friday. Break out pot and the pornos and let's get to know each other.