Holiday Gift Guide: Books That Aren’t Pretentious Crap

Oh, hello there. I was just in my study, drinking port and sorting through my numerous Brookings Institution ethical surveys. A FINE READING, I dare say. And if you're the sort of chap who enjoys a fine reading as much as I do, I have compiled a list of tomes that would make a worthy, AUTHENTIC gift for any Deadspin reader who happens to share my exquisite taste in literature. What do I look for in a book? It's quite simple, really:

Short chapters

Many people dying

Frequent paragraph breaks

Murderers

Assassins

Cool-sounding old boat terminology

People heading into remote areas of the Earth and suffering HORRIBLY for it

Anything but an epic novel spanning generations of an immigrant Boston family tied up in the shipping business

Got all that? I have sorted these masterworks into proper categories for you.

NOVELS THAT AREN'T SO DAMN NOVELLY

Lexicon, Max Barry

World War Z, Max Brooks

Carter Beats the Devil, Glen David Gold

City of Thieves, David Benioff

The Long Walk, Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachmann)

MAN VERSUS SEA (NOTE: THE SEA WINS)

In the Kingdom Of Ice, Hampton Sides

Island of the Lost, Joan Druett

Endurance, Alfred Lansing

The Perfect Storm, Sebastian Junger

In the Heart of the Sea, Nathaniel Philbrick

Skeletons on the Zahara, Dean King

OVERLY AMBITIOUS EXPLORERS WHO DISCOVER LOTS OF BAD KARMA

Conquistador, Buddy Levy

Over the Edge of the World, Laurence Bergreen

The Lost City of Z and The Devil and Sherlock Holmes, David Grann

The Last Voyage of Columbus and Into Africa, Martin Dugard

REALLY SERIOUS SHIT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Destiny of the Republic, Candice Millard

Devil in the Grove, Gilbert King

Killing Pablo, Mark Bowden

Hellhound on His Trail and Ghost Soldiers, Hampton Sides

Columbine, Dave Cullen

Manhunt, James Swanson

CLASSIC NOVELS THAT ARE KINDA NOVELLY BUT ARE STILL COOL AND GOOD

A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole

The Road, Cormac McCarthy

Catch-22, Joseph Heller

WAR! HUH! GOOD GOD, Y'ALL!

Frozen in Time and Lost in Shangri-La, Mitchell Zuckoff

The Things They Carried, Tim O'Brien

Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand

Double Cross, Ben McIntyre

MURRRRRRRRRRRDER

The Murder of the Century and Duel with the Devil, Paul Collins

The Devil in the White City, Erik Larson

The Monster of Florence, Douglas Preston & Mario Spezi

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, John Berendt

Positively Fifth Street, James McManus

In Cold Blood, Truman Capote

The Killer of Little Shepherds, Douglas Starr

POTPOURRI

Heat, Bill Buford

Stiff, Mary Roach

In A Sunburned Country, Bill Bryson

The Kid Stays in the Picture, Robert Evans

Any Jon Krakauer book, especially Into Thin Air

Any Michael Lewis book except the one about his kids