Howard Eskin Is Very Upset That New Phillies Manager Gabe Kapler Masturbates

The Phillies held a press conference today to introduce Gabe Kapler as the team’s new manager. It was Kapler’s first time speaking to the assembled Philadelphia media, and he got a good introduction into a major part of his new job.

The news of Kapler’s hiring had leaked earlier this week. The Philadelphia press spent the week analyzing Kapler based on whatever it could find. Both Philly.com and The 700 Level dove deep into Kapler’s old blog, kaplifestyle.com, where the man who spent 12 years in the majors posts his thoughts on everything from scotch to proper wing-eating technique. And both sites noted one particular post that Deadspin covered when it went up in 2014: Gabe Kapler thinks you should jerk off with coconut oil.

You’re moisturized and smelling tropical, your teeth are white and your face looks like you’ve just visited a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. The sun has set, and the moon is out. Perhaps you have a friend nearby, perhaps it’s just you by your lonesome…well, this is awkward. I’ve promised you authenticity, honesty and openness. Take this how you wish and I’ll spare you the step by step. Coconut oil is the world’s greatest lubricant. I can’t help where your mind goes with this. Once the ball leaves the bat, I can’t steer it.

Longtime Philadelphia sports talk radio and TV host Howard Eskin was having none of it. Some backstory: In 2007, Eskin went on TV and said Charlie Manuel was a bad manager, then challenged his managerial ability in a press conference. Manuel tried to fistfight Eskin, but thought better of it. Instead, he got his revenge by managing the Phillies to a World Series win and their greatest sustained period of success in the 135-year history of the club.

For some reason, Eskin is still allowed to comment on the Phillies’ managerial choices. And the day before the Phillies announced a new manager, Eskin got himself all ready by jerking a pair of tweets into existence:

When Eskin had gotten himself all excited, he exploded a question to Kapler and Phillies general manager Matt Klentak.

Yes, Howard Eskin asked if the Phillies considered not hiring Kapler as their manager because he once wrote a blog post saying coconut oil is good for jerking off. But Kapler has a good response that shows he might be able to survive as Phillies manager. Plus, it is heartwarming to see a man defend the #content he has created when called on it.

But I believe Klentak’s answer is best. Asked about his new manager’s blog where he gave masturbation tips, the general manager said that “there’s an element of risk and new behaviors and trying new things” and “boy, oh, boy, it’s gonna be fun” and “we are going to embrace a lot of his ideas.”

Did you hear that? All the Phillies are going to be masturbating with coconut oil next season. Pitchers and catchers report in 104 days!