I Had A Girl, Donna Was Her Name

It seems as if University of Miami president Donna Shalala is forever defending the behavior of her students — she reminds us a lot of Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life that way — and Tuesday was no exception. Appearing at a coaches' press conference, the feisty administrator said that it was time to stop hatin' on the 'Canes.

We have the text below. But we thought it would be more interesting — and informative — to have Mr. Subliminal actually read Shalala's statement.

"I believe that the young men we have recruited to our football team are young men of great character (sealed records), but they did a very bad thing (sixteen felonies). And it's time for me to say to the community (midnight curfew) and those who have been sending me e-mails (Trekkies), that this university will be firm, and punish people who do bad things (Axis of Evil).

"But we will not throw any student under the bus for instant restoration of our image or our reputation (no chance in hell anyway). I will not hang them in the public square (dunking chair), I will not eliminate their participation at the university (food court), I will not take away their scholarships. It's time for the feeding frenzy to stop (Tony Siragusa). These young men made a stupid, horrible, terrible mistake (Kelly Clarkson), and they are being punished. We are an educational institution, and we will act like an educational institution (Sports Spectating 101). Not like a PR machine that tries to spin and restore its image (Al Gore)."

Hyde: UM Sounds Like A Broken Record [Florida Sun-Sentinel]