I Was Wrong When I Said The Cavs Stank Back In October But I'm Definitely Right This Time

They stink!

The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost seven of 10; the worst of those came last night, when they lost by 34 freaking points to a Toronto Raptors team missing two (Kyle Lowry and Serge Ibaka) of its three best players. The third, DeMar DeRozan, didn’t even have a good game; he scored 13 points. That was all the Raptors needed on a night when the Cavs made peppy li’l tyke Fred VanVleet look like Tiny Archibald. Garbage time began in the second quarter.

Look at him go! And look at the dead-eyed Cavs standing around flat-footed like a bunch of jamokes.

The Cavs can’t defend anybody; they can’t shoot; half the roster looks washed up. Last night they got smushed all over the court by a tragic keyboard incident called “Jakob Poeltl.” They’re puke. Aim them at the toilet. I was wrong when I wrote pretty much the exact same thing about them in the middle of a four-game losing streak in October (a few nights later LeBron James nuked the Wizards to the tune of 57 points) but this time I am actually correct. Also they don’t play the Wizards again for like six more weeks.

Medical clearance or no, Isaiah Thomas pretty clearly is “back” only in the most literal sense of the term; the wreck of the frickin’ Lusitania watched him post a 2-for-15 shooting line and go a ghastly minus-20 in 25 minutes last night and was like “Rust, much?” He’s banging flat-trajectory jumpshots off the front of the rim, can’t beat anybody off the dribble, and can’t finish in traffic. Combine it with his, uhhhhhh, spotty defense and he’s doing at least as much harm as good.

Meanwhile, LeBron is still a model of efficiency at the offensive end—of course—but the only defending he has done in the past couple weeks has come in his answers to “Why does your team suck so bad?” questions in postgame press scrums.

Hey LeBron, where are the frickin’ stops, buddy? Maybe you left them wherever you left your hoodie’s sleeves. Burn.

J.R. Smith has forgotten how to shoot; Kevin Love has forgotten however much he may once have known about how to move his feet. Jae Crowder was never actually good at any particular basketball thing but he’s worse at all of them now. They actually need Jeff Green.

They’re crud! It’s definitely forever.