If Sean Salisbury Knew What Hockey Was

For the rest of 2007, the NHL Closer will be written by the fine folks at Melt Your Face Off. Enjoy.

If there is one thing we at Melt Your Face Off are good at, it is keeping our fingers on the pulse of the blogosphere and giving the people more of what they want. Yes, we take the best the interwebs have to offer and pump out more of it, but with a little extra hockey flavor. You love KSK and their hilarious football dick jokes, so we give you slightly less hilarious hockey dick jokes. You love the daily NBA and MLB Closers, we gave you Making Puck. That is why I am happy to bring another favorite spin-off, NHL style: The Sean Salisbury Wisdom! I can only hope it is up to the high standards of the original.

OLD SSW

You know why I like hockey? That movie Slap Shot. I am also contractually obligated to mention that all three Mighty Ducks films are great family entertainment and would make great gifts for loved ones this holiday season.

NEW SSW

I sat through that entire Vancouver - San Jose game and guess what? Not one fight! Where are the Hanson brothers? Where is Paul Newman to take a bunch of scrappy players and turn them into something? Instead I just get boring 5-2 San Jose win.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

Goals by Milan Michalek, Henrik Sedin, and Steve Bernier? Winning goalie, Evgeni Nabokov? Stop me if I'm wrong, but I think some of these guys might be from other countries.

OLD SSW

Shoot outs are the single best thing that ever happened to this "sport."

NEW SSW

What a terrible way to end a game! The Houston Oilers beat Detroit 4-3 in a shoot out. But where was all the razzle-dazzle? I mean, if a nine year old can do this , shouldn't the pros be able to take a slap shot with their cock or something?

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

"No, Norby, I didn't mention a snap shot of my cock, I said slap shot and it was his cock. Two completely different things. No, you're right, I can see how it can be confusing. Why? Did somebody mention they wanted a snap shot of my cock? It was the new receptionist wasn't it? I knew she didn't get the first three."

OLD SSW

The reason why nobody watches the NHL, is because all the games end 1-0. There is no scoring! Get the goals up, get the ratings up.

NEW SSW

The what game? Calgary? Is that a breakaway Soviet republic? When did the Olympics start? Listen, I don't care if they beat Tampa 9-6, nobody is going to tune into a field goal battle. Start putting points on the board damnit!

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

What the hell is a "Kiprusoff"?