It's Like, Major League Soccer, Only Overseas And Interesting

By popular demand: Recapping the first weekend of Premier League soccer action, without having a damn clue what I'm even writing, despite having Hirshey's EPL preview open in a separate window:

Arsenal 2-1 Fulham — One of the league favorites almost escaped instant British shame after Fulham took the lead 52 seconds in on a goalkeeper blunder. But the Gunners scored two goals in the final eight minutes of regulation. It's sort of like buying a video game for the first time. Even on "easy" difficulty, a bad team scores on you right away, then you learn that the left and right sticks move the goalie, and eventually at the end of the game you figure how to score tons of goals at once.

Chelsea 3-2 Birmingham City — That's now 64 straight wins at home for Chelsea without losing, some kind of record. Much like Arsenal's win, their opponent played tough in the first half. Birmingham took a 1-0 lead, and after two straight Chelsea goals, B'ham tied the game at 2-2 before halftime. But Mickaël Essien's goal in the 50th minute put them up for good. Essien also had a yellow card in the 50th minute. I have no idea if this is significant. It could be. You'd have to ask someone.

Aston Villa 1-2 Liverpool — Aston Villa defender Martin Laursen scored into his own goal, ya big dummy. But even though his team bailed him out with a penalty kick goal in the 85th minute, Liverpool responded minutes later with a Steven Gerrard free kick. I think I know what a free kick is.

Sunderland 1-0 Tottenham Hotspur — Sunderland's back in the Premier League, and a draw would have been nice against Tottenham, but Michael Chopra netted a goal during extra time. So, for the American boor in me, this is like when the Houston Texas won their first ever franchise game, right? Oh, it's not like that at all, you say. I see.

Now, could someone explain to me what exactly I wrote? Much appreciated. Love, —Suss