Jaguars Junction: Week Eleventy 

Jacksonville is the largest city in America by the “measure that counts,” according to geographers—total land area, rather than population. In this way Jacksonville is America’s number one city.

Land—they’re not making any more of it. It’s obviously exciting to be the city that contains the most of it, compared to all others. Imagine, if you will, what all of that space in Jacksonville contains: Trees. The Gateway Mall (this might have closed since I was last there?). Looking for something more active? Try the Avenues Mall. Fan of culture? There’s also Regency Mall. Foodie? Little Caesars—several locations.

The only thing we don’t have in Jacksonville? Bandwagons. I don’t even know what they look like. But it sure does seem like they’re all over the freaking place everywhere else. In recent days and hours, many people—including those who not long ago engaged in mockery, fun-poking, and thinly veiled ridicule—have reached out to me via multiple communication channels to ask, “Where is today’s Jaguars Junction? We apologize in a groveling manner for our pathetic attempts at satire in the past. Now that the team is in the ‘big time,’ can we please have a taste of the Jacksonville lifestyle, in the form of your popular column—which we no longer see as a big joke?”

Certainly. Just mail a self-addressed stamped envelope, along with $80 cash or money order, to:

The Beating Heart of Jacksonville (c/o Hamilton Nolan)114 5th Ave, 2nd Fl.New York, NY 10011

“ Fuck Boston.”- former Jacksonville resident Jonathan Papelbon.

“ Jaguars Junction” is an independent source of football analysis unaffiliated with any professional sports franchise.