Jason Whitlock Stages His Own Private Sports Media Roast

In his latest, Whitlock uses the occasion of Erin Andrews' Oprah appearance to go all Jeffrey Ross-on-Bea Arthur on his colleagues. Reilly's column: "read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons' column." Burn!

"Nothing turns the sports media green with envy quicker than a date with Big O," writes Whitlock, who is apparently taking a break from his ongoing dissertation on the subject of Strange Tang. He goes on to speculate how other sports media types might draw Oprah's eye (as Whitlock himself once did).

Mike Lupica: His Parting Shot on the next episode of "The Sports Reporters" will touch on the emotional scars he carries from paying his way through Boston College as a human bowling ball in the American Dwarf Bowling Association.

Hank Goldberg: Is quietly circulating audio tapes of voice messages left for Linda Cohn that graphically explain how he got the nickname Hammerin' Hank.

Christine Brennan: Unveils a full-body column mug in USA Today showing off her newly purchased 38 DDs, tummy tuck and blonde hair. Her initial column is titled: "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em."

Jemele Hill: Disappointed by her previous efforts - such as comparing the Celtics to Hitler, urging Packers fans to stone Brett Favre with batteries, blogging about oral sex - Hill claims she was an original member of Milli Vanilli.

Rick Reilly: In a cliche and pointless 800-word column that will be read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons' column, Reilly will reveal how his agent hoodwinked ESPN into a $3-million-a-year contract.

Damn. It's almost as if the man doesn't want to get invited to the ESPYs.

Erin Andrews video scandal: It's all about the O [FoxSports] Have I Ever Mentioned How Much I Like Jason Whitlock? [Sportress of Blogitude]