Jon Gruden Branches Out Into Telestrator Boob Art

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• The Steelers managed to almost blow it, but were saved—as so often happens—by their second best quarterback and the fact they were playing the Bengals.

• Lots of great NBA action last night. Highlights: Dwight Howard's a beast; Steph Curry carried the Warriors on his back after Monta Ellis injured his; the Bulls beat Carmelo and the Nuggs on the strength of another Joakim Noah double-double; and the Mavericks took a novel approach in beating the Celtics: playing competent defense.

• Speaking of Carmelo, he's handling the whole "Maybe I'll demand a trade, maybe I won't" thing really well. For real.

• A hockey game was played, possibly in front of an audience, and it ended in an exciting fashion: sudden death. What's that? That's not what "sudden death" means? Fine, just watch Henrik Zetterberg's game-winner:

• Lost in the hubbub of Wade Phillips and Joe Morgan getting pinkslips was Colorado axing coach Dan Hawkins who somehow managed to coach 19 more games after losing to Toledo last season. Hawkins should consider himself lucky that he's getting fired for being bad at coaching football, and not, you know, other stuff.

• Speaking of those aforementioned high-profile firings: Miles Austin is just like you: he found out Wade Phillips was fired over Twitter; my Google alert for "sad trombone" tipped me off.

• The NFL better not have a work stoppage, or else the many micro-economies based on cheaply made Redskins gear and Sunday gluttony will disappear forever. That, or micro-economies based on cheaply made Wizards, Caps, Nationals, and Orioles gear and weekday gluttony will emerge.

• Just-robbed college kid says what we'd all say in similar situation, "At least it didn't hit my balls." That piece of optimism is negated if subject has been shot in the balls.

• Dave Cowens: NBA Hall of Famer, not-so-great NBA & WNBA coach, and proud supporter of Amurrika.

• This is incredible: Google Maps, "Get Directions," A: Japan, B; China, scroll to #43. Yeah.

Image of double telestrator dongs jutting away from crudely drawn telestrator boobs via Noah

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Good morning, everyone. I'm on a bus right now, so if you're wondering how I'm posting this: a wizard did it.